Off Topic Jokes thread

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One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, John bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school. “You look great John, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” Rob exclaimed.
“I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied John.
“That’s incredible” exclaimed Rob, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?”
“Did I say he was dead?” asked John. “He’s 81 and is more active then ever. He just joined the neighborhood basketball team!” responded John.
“Whoa! Well how old was your Grandfather when he died?”
“Did I say he died” asked John. Rob was amazed. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!”
“Getting married?!” Rob asked. If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?!
John looked at Rob and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”

 

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A group of Americans are touring Ireland:
One of the women in the group is a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. "The bus seats are uncomfortable, food is terrible, too hot, too cold, accommodation is dreadful."
One day, the group arrives at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin’ ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone." Their guide says. "Unfortunately, it’s being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can’t be here tomorrow." The nasty woman shouts. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can’t kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now." The guide says. "It is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you’ll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you’ve kissed the stone?" The woman scoffs.
"No, ma’am." The frustrated guide responds. "But I have sat on it."

 

How many beers does it take to get a tropical bird drunk?

Toucans.

 

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.
"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ar've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night."
Archie nods approvingly.
"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that.
What's the tartin?...."
"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white.”

 

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Vladimir Putin’s 70th birthday party abandoned after game of pass the parcel takes 14 hours

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