Off Topic Jokes thread

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On hearing that my elderly grandfather had passed away, i went straight to my grandparents house to visit my 99 year old grandmother to comfort her. I asked her how my grandfather had died. She said He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning. I was shocked that two people nearly a 100 were still having sex. She replied many years ago we figured out the best time to do it was on a Sunday morning when the church bells started to ring. It was just the right rhythm nice and slow. Nothing too strenuous simply in on the ding and out on the dong.

She paused and wiped away a tear, he’d still be alive if the bloody ice cream van hadn’t come along…..

 

While many complain about life in general and the cost of living etc, I am sitting on a sofa that costs £3,500, lovely and cool in front of an air-con unit costing £2,300, watching the latest film on a 70" smart TV that costs £4,000

Right now, I'm happy, with no worries and not a care in the world, not even the employees at John Lewis, who keep asking me to leave can spoil my day.

 

I took my wife out for our anniversary dinner last night and she kept saying she wanted to pay for the meal.

"Don't be stupid," I said, "we're halfway down the road now, just keep running".

 

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