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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

  1. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #26301
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  2. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  3. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  4. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  5. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #26305
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  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
    For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.
    Then, the still shaking driver said, 'Are you OK?...... I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'
    The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.
    The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab……………….. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.
     
    #26307
  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I said to my mate, "I just watched that film about the Nazis."

    He said, "Oh what, the one with Adolf in?" I said, "No mate, you're thinking of 'Flipper', this was just about the Nazis."
     
    #26308
  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I asked a married woman for a date once, but she said no because I had a face like the back of a boat.

    I didn't reply, I just gave her a stern look...
     
    #26309
  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Film studios have announced a remake of Hitchcock’s classic The Birds.

    Leading roles by Russell Crowe, Steven Seagal and Ethan Hawke, with music by Taylor Swift.
     
    #26310

  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My Grandad only had one leg, but still managed to work 40 years in a brewery.

    He was in charge of the hops.
     
    #26311
  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I got the sack today for downloading porn and making everything crash.

    They're a bit strict at Air Traffic Control.
     
    #26312
  13. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  14. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Pickup lines from women:
    I like carbonara, but your white sauce tastes better.
    I'm always on top of things. Would you like to be one of them?
    I need an Uber. Do you offer long or short rides?
    I can't have your eyes but our kids can.
    Man I wish I were as tall as you. Mind lending me a few inches?
    I'm glad I don't have a deep voice but my throat is deep enough for something at least.
    I like movies... can I watch you come?
    I can be Cinderella, you can see if it fits.
    Can I add your kids to my skincare routine?
    I'm not a waitress but I'll take the tip.
    Height don't matter when I'm on all four.
    Some cats don't like getting wet, but mine does.
    Relationships are 50/50 - I steal your hoodies, you take my ability to walk.
     
    #26314
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  15. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  16. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #26316
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  17. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #26317
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  18. antipodean exile

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    #26318
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  19. antipodean exile

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    #26319
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  20. antipodean exile

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