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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The inventor of the USB stick has died.

    Thanks for the memory.
     
    #3241
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Prince Harry is said to be quietly upset that he's now going to be one further removed from the throne.

    He should really be worried that he's only one DNA test away from being cut out all together.
     
    #3242
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    If you had a choice between buying FIFA18 and taking your girlfriend out to dinner.

    What club would you start your career with?
     
    #3243
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The Magnificent Seven appeared in a series of adverts for an aftershave.

    It was filmed at Liverpool's Anfield football ground.

    Only six of them took part, because Yul never wore cologne.
     
    #3244
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    "It's times like these I wish we lived abroad," I said to my wife, staring out of the front window.

    "Yeah, the weathers s*it isn't it?" She replied.

    "Not the weather," I said. "Your mother's coming up the f*cking drive."
     
    #3245
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    According to Psychology Today magazine, women spend 12,000 hours of their lives crying.

    Whereas blokes spend exactly the same amount of time not knowing what the f*ck they've done wrong.
     
    #3246
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    please log in to view this image
     
    #3247
  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I need advice! I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind my boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket???

    Please any help would be appreciated i plan to go fishing this weekend!!
     
    #3248
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Dear Asda,
    Last week I purchased some of your "smart price" toilet tissue and I have some thoughts to share with you.
    For my first use I folded it twice like I normally would, but it was so weak it broke, at which point I realised I had fingered myself. That's right. No romance, no weekend in Venice, just one swift digit up the wrong 'un in a cold bathroom in Wythenshaw.
    So what exactly is "smart" about "smart price"? My eyes certainly smarted a bit as I jabbed at my rectum. I spent the next few minutes in the saddest bathroom scene since Oscar Pistorius, debating whether to sacrifice a bath towel, a sock or the fleece of the first staff member I find at my local store.
    A few more minutes passed, the anger subsided and I made a second attempt. You see this stuff might be half the price of branded stuff, but I found I needed to bandage it tightly 7-8 times around my hand to prevent me from molesting myself a second time, leaving me looking like an Egyptian mummy that's just performed a prostate exam.
    The feeling of shame was soon replaced with regret, as I realised I had better things within arms reach to do the job. Even the pumice stone on the edge of my bath looked like it could do a better job than the stuff you supply.
    I noticed in the news today your sales have dropped 7.5% in 3 months. Looks like it's not just the competition you can't wipe out!
    Yours truly,
    A very unhappy customer
     
    #3249
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My mother-in-law was very pleasantly surprised by the shepard's pie I made for her.

    "This is brilliant," she said, "But tell me, what kind of meat did you use?"

    "Dunno," I replied, "But there was a cat on the tin."
     
    #3250
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A Pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”
    “What do you mean?” said the Pirate, “I feel fine.”
    “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
    “Arr, well,” said the Pirate, “We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”
    The bartender replied, “Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”
    The pirate explained, “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook, but I’m fine, really.”
    “What about that eye patch?”
    “Arrrr, well” said the pirate, “One day we were at sea, and a flock of a big fat Albatross flew over. As I looked up, the bastard thing only went and shat in me eye didn't it, Arrrr!”
    “You’re kidding,” said the bartender. “You couldn’t lose an eye just from bird ****”
    “Arr, bejasus lad it was me first day with this feckin hook!”
     
    #3251
  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #3252
  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?
    The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!
    The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?
    Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
    The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina' ?"
    The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina
     
    #3253
  14. Wooperts_duck

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    #3254
  15. Wooperts_duck

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    What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

    Iron Man is a Superhero, Iron Woman is a demand.....
     
    #3255
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Just thinking they might want to change the names of Hurricanes. Harvey, Irma and Jose aren't very scary.

    Name them Deathdealer 9000, Nukatron and Ex-Wives Rage and everyone would evacuate without hesitation!
     
    #3256
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  17. Wooperts_duck

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    Two Irish blokes are out hunting in the woods when Paddy says,"I'm dying for a s*it,but I haven't got anything to wipe my arse with."

    Mick says,"Have you got a fiver Paddy?"........ "Yes," says Paddy........"Well use that," replies Mick.So Paddy goes off for 5 minutes and comes back with s*it all over his hands and clothes.

    Mick says,"What the f*ck happened to you?" Paddy looks at him and replies,"Have you ever tried to wipe your arse with four pound coins and two 50 pence pieces?"
     
    #3257
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A courier asked me for the time.

    I told him it was some time between 9am and 8pm.
     
    #3258
  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Just read a book entitled 'The French Army During World War II, 1939 to 1945'.

    For those not familiar with the 24 Hour clock, that's twenty one minutes to eight until a quarter to eight at night.
     
    #3259
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, you name it. Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy". At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly man, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying 'things would be okay.' William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." "Thanks," said the grandpa, "but I'm William. The little s*it's name is Kevin.”
     
    #3260

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