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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

  1. saintrichie123

    saintrichie123 Well-Known Member

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    Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering.

    The priest tells her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."

    "But Father, I have a divine right," she says.

    "Yes, I see," he says. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!"
     
    #41
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  2. saintrichie123

    saintrichie123 Well-Known Member

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    Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

    "I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

    "What's that mean?"

    "It means they cut the skin off the end."

    "How old were you when it was cut off?"

    "My mom said I was two days old."

    "Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

    "You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
     
    #42
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.
    "Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It's Incredible!"
    Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck..., I'll treat her!"
    So, they walked past it again...
     
    #43
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  4. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
    Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
    Vet: "Is it a tom?"
    Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
     
    #44
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A Dyslexic terrorist has stormed the local Zoo making random demands
    He has taken six ostriches.....
     
    #45
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A man received the following text from his neighbour:
    I am so sorry James I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess..
    I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again. The man, outraged and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife .

    A few moments later, a second text came in:
    Bloody autospell! It should read "wifi, not "wife" . . . . ..
     
    #46
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2015
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  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
    His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"
     
    #47
  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
    Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
    Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, She started talking to him....
    You know that dishwasher you promised me? I Bought it with the insurance money!"
    She paused for a minute tracing her fingers In the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised Me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
    Again, she paused for a few minutes and while Tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
    Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"

    "Well here it comes."
     
    #48
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  9. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
    Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
    Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
    Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
     
    #49
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  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your next!!"
     
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

    His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

    He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

    "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

    "Here boy" he replies.
     
    #51
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  12. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer? The answer is found below.
    QUESTION:
    You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
    Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
    You are carrying your truncheon/baton and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?ANSWERS:
    English Police Officer:
    Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights and ethnic background.
    1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?
    2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
    3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
    4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
    5) Am I dressed provocatively?
    6) Could I run away?
    7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon/baton and knock the knife out of his hand?
    8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?
    9) Why am I carrying a truncheon/baton anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?
    10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?
    11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
    12) If I raise my truncheon/baton and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?
    13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?
    Australian Police Officer:
    BANG !
    American Police Officer:
    BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
    'Click'...Reload...
    BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
    Glasgow Police Officer:
    "Haw, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knifie reet this minute noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"





     
    #52
  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
    Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
     
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  14. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks a chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
    Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
     
    #54
  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position..

    As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

    'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.
     
    #55
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A husband and wife were watching a tv programme about psychology which explained the phenomenon of mixed emotions.

    The husband turned to his wife and said "darling,what a load of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that'll make me happy and sad at the same time"

    She replies "out of all your friends,your the best in bed"
     
    #56
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  17. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling.
    When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem
    they had ever had in the years they had been married.
    On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
    feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had
    endured.Finally, after allowing this for a
    sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and
    after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and
    passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.
    The therapist turned to the husband and
    said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do
    this?"
    "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays,
    But, I golf on Fridays."
     
    #57
  18. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her you have to go to the bathroom?'
    Michael said: 'Excuse me,I need to pee.'
    The teacher responded: 'That would be quite impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
    Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
    'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
    Johnny said: 'I would say "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
    The teacher fainted
     
    #58
  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
    The officer said "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asked "What did he say?" The old man yelled "He says you were speeding!"
    The patrolman said "May I see your license?" The woman turned to her husband and asked "What did he say?" The old man yelled "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave him her license.
    The patrolman said "I see you are from Texas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen".
    The woman turned to her husband and asked "What did he say?" The old man yelled "He thinks he knows you!"
     
    #59
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  20. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
    Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive
     
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