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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

  1. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    nowt wrong with Bernard Manning and Frank Carson and good old Monty Python and Hale and Pace etc etc
     
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  2. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    There are so many boarded-up houses in Liverpool, that the window cleaner goes round with a friggin sander.
     
    #82
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  3. Channonfodder

    Channonfodder Rebel without a clue.....

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    Frank Carson had one good joke;

    "I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday, and she said, "a divorce!"
    I told her that, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much"

    Bernard Manning? I preferred Bernard Righton.
     
    #83
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I preferred Bernard Bresslaw, personally.

    Bit of a carry on though..........
     
    #84
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.

    A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mum today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad.

    "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mum flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
     
    #85
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.

    The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
     
    #86
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  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks 'Can you settle an argument for us and
    pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?' The waitress leaned over and said ........
    'Burrr gurrr king'.
     
    #87
  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, "What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

    Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son.''
     
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  9. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    please log in to view this image
     
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  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Kid carries basket into the vet's and says "Hey Mister, me cat's sick"
    Vet says "Say aaaah!"
    Kid asks "Why?"
    Vet says "It's dead!"
     
    #90
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  11. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A man and his wife went to the doctor.
    The doctor took the husband in the exam room first.

    The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.
    The doctor checked his blood pressure and other things and then said he was going to examine the wife.
    He took her to another exam room and asked her to disrobe.

    Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly and she did as instructed.

    He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction.

    Then he said "Ok you can get dressed now, I will talk to your husband”.
    The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, "You can relax, there is nothing wrong with you.. I couldn't get an erection either!"
     
    #91
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!"

    The old man says "I'll have the soup."
     
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  13. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    “Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.”
     
    #93
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    please log in to view this image
     
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES
    The missus bought a Paperback,
    down Shepton Mallet way,
    I had a look inside her bag;......
    T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
    Well I just left her to it,
    And at ten I went to bed.
    An hour later she appeared;
    The sight filled me with dread.
    In her left hand she held a rope;
    And in her right a whip!
    She threw them down upon the floor,
    And then began to strip.
    Well fifty years or so ago;
    I might have had a peek;
    But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
    She's eighty four next week!!
    Watching Mabel bump and grind;
    Could not have been much grimmer.
    And things then went from bad to worse;
    She toppled off her Zimmer!
    She struggled back upon her feet;
    A couple minutes later;
    She put her teeth back in and said
    "I am a dominator!!"
    Now if you knew our Mabel,
    You'd see just why I spluttered,
    I'd spent two months in traction
    For the last complaint I'd uttered.
    She stood there nude and naked
    Bent forward just a bit
    I went to hold her, sensual like
    and stood on her left tit!
    Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
    My God what had I done!
    She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
    "Step on the other one!!"
    Well readers, I can tell no more;
    Of what occurred that day.
    Suffice to say my jet black hair,
    Turned fifty shades of grey!!
     
    #95
  16. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Two Yorkshire astronauts come out of a pub on the moon. One says "I'm not drinkin in there n'more" t'other'unsays "why not?" First' un says, "there's no bloody atmosphere!".
     
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  17. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
    Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's about average in Yorkshire ... like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player.'
    Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
    Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?
    Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'
    The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'
    The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!'
    The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,

    'Had him circumcised..
     
    #97
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Cancel my allowance, trash my bedroom, throw all my clothes out the window, take my front door and car keys away and kick me out of the house".

    Well she didn't actually put it quite like that - she said "Dad, say hello to Mohammed..."
     
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  19. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    "I saw six men punching and kicking my mother in law, my neighbour said "Aren't you going to help"? No I said, six should be enough".
    Les Dawson (1931-1993)
     
    #99
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note: "I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants."

    So I wrote back: "Please return the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”
     
    #100
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