Off Topic Jokes thread

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The Park Ranger had been trying to catch a guy for illegal crayfish poaching, so he hid behind a bush and waited. Along came the guy and soon after he pulled a crayfish from the billabong.
The Ranger jumped out and said “Okay Billy I am arresting you for stealing crayfish“
Billy said “I didn't steal any crayfish, he's my pet and I bring him here for five minutes swimming lessons and I can prove it.”
“Okay “, said the Ranger “prove it.“
Billy put the crayfish back in the water and after five minutes the Ranger said “Okay, where is he? “
Billy said, “Where's who?”

 

I arrived early at the local restaurant last night.
The manager said: “Do you mind waiting for a bit?”
I said: “That’s fine”.
He said: “Good, take these drinks to table 7”…

 

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I got chatting with a girl in a bar last night,
"Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.
""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cider please.
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out."