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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #19861
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 7, 2021
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #19862
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 7, 2021
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #19863
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 7, 2021
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #19864
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 7, 2021
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  5. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A penguin walks into a store and asks the clerk "do you have any grapes?"
    The clerks says "No"
    The same thing happens the next day, and on the third day the clerk says " if you ask for grapes tomorrow, I will nail your flippers to the floor."
    The next day the penguin comes into the store and asks "do you have any Nails?" the clerk says "nope"
    Got any grapes? the penguin asks
     
    #19865
    antipodean exile, Aug 8, 2021
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  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #19866
    antipodean exile, Aug 8, 2021
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  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #19867
    antipodean exile, Aug 8, 2021
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  8. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #19868
    antipodean exile, Aug 8, 2021
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  9. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #19869
    antipodean exile, Aug 8, 2021
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies
     
    #19870
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 8, 2021
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #19871
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 8, 2021
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  12. antipodean exile

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    #19872
    antipodean exile, Aug 9, 2021
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  13. antipodean exile

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    #19873
    antipodean exile, Aug 9, 2021
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  14. antipodean exile

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    #19874
    antipodean exile, Aug 9, 2021
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  15. antipodean exile

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    #19875
    antipodean exile, Aug 9, 2021
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  16. antipodean exile

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    #19876
    antipodean exile, Aug 9, 2021
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #19877
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 9, 2021
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #19878
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 9, 2021
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  19. antipodean exile

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    #19879
    antipodean exile, Aug 10, 2021
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  20. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Ma and Pa were two old hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills.
    Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full.
    He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn’t know what to do to empty the hole.
    Ma says,
    “Why don’t you go ask the young’n down the road? He must be smart ’cause he’s a college gradjyate.”
    So Pa drives down to the neighbor’s house and asks him,
    “Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don’t know what to do to empty it.”
    The young’n tells him,
    “Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.
    Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time.
    The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air.
    While it’s in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.”
    Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.
    He goes home and puts them under the outhouse.
    He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
    All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse!
    Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air.
    BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm.
    Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.
    Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks,
    “Ma, are you all right?”
    As she pulls up her panties she says,
    “Yeah, but I’m sure glad I didn’t fart in the kitchen!”
     
    #19880
    antipodean exile, Aug 10, 2021
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