Jokes

Discussion in 'Leeds United' started by ellandback, Jun 25, 2019.

  1. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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  2. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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  3. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    I found £20 in Sainsbury’s today.

    I Didn’t know whether to hand it in or not, so I thought to myself "being as it’s Easter what would Jesus have done ?"

    I turned it into wine <bubbly>
     
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  4. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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  5. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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  6. Whitejock

    Whitejock Well-Known Member

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  7. blonogasoven

    blonogasoven Well-Known Member

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    I think it's funny when dogs hide under the bed when they're scared.

    I'm like "you idiot, that's the first place monsters go."
     
    #2407
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  8. blonogasoven

    blonogasoven Well-Known Member

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    3 days ago I got a pass-code lock that takes a picture whenever someone enters the wrong code to look in my phone.

    So far I have 26 pictures of drunk me.
     
    #2408
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  9. blonogasoven

    blonogasoven Well-Known Member

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    I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, and I thought to myself. "Well this changes everything"
     
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  10. Aski

    Aski Well-Known Member

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    Last night, my wife woke me up.. *Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!* So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.
    Then I realized I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
     
    #2410

  11. Whitejock

    Whitejock Well-Known Member

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  12. Old Git

    Old Git Well-Known Member

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  13. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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  14. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    My son said, "Dad, when was the first time you fell in love?"
    I said, "I was 18. I walked into a bar and saw the most gorgeous blonde I'd ever seen. Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her."
    He said, "What happened?"
    I said, "The arrow missed and hit your f*cking mother!"
     
    #2414
  15. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    My wife and I were on the beach when she said "lets make love in the sea"
    "Ok" I said "As long as we don't go very deep because I cant swim"
    A little while later she giggled and said "Do you think anybody will know what we are doing" "Probably" I said ….as another wave broke over my ankles!!
     
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  16. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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  17. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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  18. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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  19. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    An elderly Irish woman of advanced age visited her doctor to ask his advice on reviving her husband's lagging libido.
    'What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
    "Not a chance," she said... "He won't even take an aspirin."
    "Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra."
    "What's this Irish Viagra?" she asked.
    "You drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
    A week later she called the doctor, who asked her about the results.
    "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!" she exclaimed. "T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
    "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
    "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was immediate.
    He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye! With one swoop of his arm, he sent cups and tablecloth flying, then ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
    "Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean it wasn't good?"
    "It was the best I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!....
     
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  20. xbpod

    xbpod Well-Known Member

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