Jokes

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

After retiring, I went to the Job Centre to apply for Social Security benefit. The lady behind the counter asked for my driver's licence to verify my age. Realising that I had left my wallet at home, I told her that I was very sorry, and I would have to go home and come back later.

She said "Unbutton your shirt."

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said "Silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my benefit application !

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Job Centre.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants . . . . she might have given you disability benefit, too !"

 

please log in to view this image

 

OLDIE BUT CLASSIC

please log in to view this image

 

At the end of their first date, a young man walks his girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"
"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"
"Pleeeeease?..."
Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"

 

A doctor's toilet was blocked so he rang the plumber.
The plumber said: "It's early hours of the morning can't it wait?" The doc said: "If you were ill I'd have to come out".
The plumber said: "Fair enough" and called at the doc's house.
He lifted the toilet seat and threw in two paracetamol and said "Give it a few days and if it's still the same give me a call".

 

A woman went to doctors’ office where she was seen by one of the new young doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. McKenzie is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t I?

 

Two guys playing golf. A hearse is passing bye. One of the men stops in mid swing, removes his hat and bows his head.

His partner says that's the most compassionate gesture I've seen. Well said the other we were married for 35 years

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

I went to a funeral. At the wake I asked a lady if she knew the wi-fi code. She said "You ****ing ignorant,disgusting,selfish bastard. How can you worry about things like that at a time like this? I said "Is that all in lower case?"

 

please log in to view this image