Jokes

Council truck rolls up and two guys jump out. One rubs his hands and say OK, mate, lets get at it." His mate says, "Bugger, I've left the shovels behind." The other says "Oh, that's OK, we can lean on the truck."

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

I saw a car with a bumper sticker saying:
"I am a vet, therefore I drive like an animal."
Suddenly I realised how many gynaecologists there are on the roads today

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

Eric sounds just like my own son

 

A Catholic Priest has hailed one of his Alter Boys for saving his life...

The 12 year old apparently found a lump on his testicles

I asked the missus to toss me off last night, she got her keyring out and started rubbing up and down my shaft, typical I thought, fobbing me off again

My brother has a very unusual job; he finds things before other people realize they've lost them'

I'm not saying my missus is a tart,but even the label in her knickers says Next!

 

A little boy, Johnny, blows up his balloon and starts
flicking it all around the house with his
finger. His mother tells him to stop it as
he's liable to break something. The boy
continues.

"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off.
You're going to break something".

He stops and eventually Mom leaves for
a short trip to the shopping center.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again.
He gives it one last flick and it lands in the
toilet where he leaves it. Mom comes in
and while putting away the grocery gets
the urge. A diarrhoea run. She can hardly
make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH,
out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and
can't believe what she's seeing. She's not
sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet !
She calls her doctor.
The doctor is baffled as she describes the
situation, but he assures her he'll be over
shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bath
room and he gets down on his knees and
takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of
touches it to see what it might be and POP!
The balloon explodes and **** is everywhere.
On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over
30 years, and this is the first time I've ever
actually seen a fart !"

 

please log in to view this image

 

Science believes that one day man will be able to lve on Mars. I tried this for a month. I gained 30 kgs and developed type2 diabetes. I can't recommend it.

 

Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. Look at Beethoven, they told him he would never be a musician because he was deaf. But did he listen!!

 

I really need to get in shape. If I were to be murdered and they drew a line around my body, it would be a circle.

 

please log in to view this image

 

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'