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Jokes

Discussion in 'Leeds United' started by ellandback, Jun 25, 2019.

  1. Old Git

    Old Git Well-Known Member

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    Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

    “Tarzan not know what is sex” he replied.

    Jane then explained to him what sex was.

    Tarzan said ….“Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.”

    Stunned by his response, Jane said: “Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don’t
    shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly.”

    She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. “Here” she said, pointing to her privates,“you must put it in here.”

    Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped
    closer to her and kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

    Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed: “What the bloody hell did you do that for?

    "Check for squirrel.” he responds.
     
    #341
  2. Eireleeds1

    Eireleeds1 Well-Known Member

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    Brilliant <laugh>
     
    #342
  3. Old Git

    Old Git Well-Known Member

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    Holly, Philip schofield and Gino de campo were walking over a bridge.
    Holly trips and gets her head stuck between the railings.
    Without a sideways glance, Gino pulls aside her G-String and ***** her senseless.
    He stands back and tells Phillip "your turn"!
    Phillip burst out into tears. "Whats wrong? Asks Gino.
    Phillip sobs, "My head won't fit in the railings"
     
    #343
  4. Eireleeds1

    Eireleeds1 Well-Known Member

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  5. ellandback

    ellandback Well-Known Member
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  6. brisbane-lion

    brisbane-lion Well-Known Member

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    I didn't know but apparently this has become the "thing" to do in Oz. Just been reading on the BBC. Everyone's having a good laugh. Ah, well, takes all sorts, eh?
     
    #346
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  7. Old Git

    Old Git Well-Known Member

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    please log in to view this image
     
    #347
  8. Gessa

    Gessa Well-Known Member

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    2 Chinese junkies sat at home, the one turns to the other and asks"have you seen my cocaine ".
    No, not since he was in Zulu.
     
    #348
  9. Old Git

    Old Git Well-Known Member

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    Virus or not, me and my partner are just having a couple of hours down Skegness seafront.

    We've toured the arcades, had a couple of rides and got some ace photos eating candy floss in 'kiss me quick' hats.

    My boss even rang up to see how we're getting on ..

    I told him, "All quiet here Sarg, we've not had to make any arrests.
     
    #349
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  10. Gessa

    Gessa Well-Known Member

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    An Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar.

    Ah! those were the days
     
    #350
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  11. brisbane-lion

    brisbane-lion Well-Known Member

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    /an Englishman, Irishman and a Scot left a bar......................what? I does happen!!
     
    #351
  12. blonogasoven

    blonogasoven Well-Known Member

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  13. 2020VisionofLeeds

    2020VisionofLeeds Well-Known Member

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    Yesterday, God was seen walking around Yorkshire, striding across the N Yorks moors, paddling in Bridlington harbour, cracking open a can in Swaledale, then finishing up with a Salute to Billy outside ER.

    "What the **** are you doing?" Jesus asked.

    "Working from home. Don’t you know there’s a lockdown? ”
     
    #353
  14. Old Git

    Old Git Well-Known Member

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    My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

    He winked at me and said: “I’m off duty in 10 minutes - meet me in the car park.”
     
    #354
  15. Eireleeds1

    Eireleeds1 Well-Known Member

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    Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and he asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

    "Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

    Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?"

    The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

    The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?"

    The Prime Minster walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

    The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Boris. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

    Without pausing for a moment, he answered, "That would be me."

    "Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

    Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. “ Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

    "I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

    Finally, Pence ran in to his friend Jack Murphy in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Jack, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

    Jack Murphy answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"

    Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!"

    Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle: It's my friend Jack Murphy!"

    Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot! It's Boris Johnson!"
     
    #355
  16. Old Git

    Old Git Well-Known Member

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    “So I got following this fit bird out jogging..

    Imagine tall pretty blonde, nice bobbling boobs and you could make out her sweating thong under her tight body hugging joggers.

    You could tell after a while she was aware of my attention, speeding more and more, but I managed to keep at least 5 metres away, just so it wasn't too obvious, besides, I was enjoying the view.

    Eventually a police car stopped me in my tracks..

    "What have I done wrong?" I protested. "I kept my social distancing!"

    "Sir, you're holding up the rest of the traffic with your lorry.”
     
    #356
  17. ellandback

    ellandback Well-Known Member
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  18. Eireleeds1

    Eireleeds1 Well-Known Member

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    Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

    "I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
    Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

    The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
    "No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

    The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
    "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

    The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

    Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

    The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
     
    #358
  19. Eireleeds1

    Eireleeds1 Well-Known Member

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  20. Eireleeds1

    Eireleeds1 Well-Known Member

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