My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive. Apparently the response of "don't worry babe, your tits cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for. please log in to view this image
A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his Penis erect. After a complete exam the Doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis. The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants. His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another Roll up my Arse."
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO DUBLIN , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO DUBLIN AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT. THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO DUBLIN AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON. THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE." HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS. "I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO DUBLIN."
My wife was in the kitchen cooking breakfast when I heard a heavy thud. I rushed into the kitchen to find my wife laying on the floor unconscious. I didn't know what to do, i panicked, I was totally lost, but then i remembered Witherspoons have an all day breakfast for $3.99. Don't have a pound sign on my keyboard.
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
A mate was complaining about losing his golf ball on the 2nd hole, he said, "How deep is the rough!" I asked, "Isn't that a Bee Gees song?" He said, "I've got these new Titleist Velocity golf balls. They are fantastic! They go at least 20 yards further than my other ones." I asked, "Isn't that going to make it even more difficult to find them?" I was having a beer in a pub when a group of rugby players arrived in full kit with buckets collecting for charity. A group of girls made a beeline for them and were swooning all over them at the bar. I was standing next to one of the biggest and tallest and asked, "are you a hooker?" He laughed dismissively and said, "no mate, I'm a 2nd row forward!" I said, ,"I was talking to her."
