Jokes

An Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.' 'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?' 'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!' 'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.' 'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!' There's a few minutes of silence. 'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces. 'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain. 'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot. 'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!' "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no mattah...all feckin same."

 

A little boy, Johnny, blows up his balloon and starts
flicking it all around the house with his
finger. His mother tells him to stop it as
he's liable to break something. The boy
continues.

"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off.
You're going to break something".

He stops and eventually Mom leaves for
a short trip to the shopping center.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again.
He gives it one last flick and it lands in the
toilet where he leaves it. Mom comes in
and while putting away the grocery gets
the urge. A diarrhoea run. She can hardly
make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH,
out it comes.

When she's finished, she looks down and
can't believe what she's seeing. She's not
sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet !
She calls her doctor.
The doctor is baffled as she describes the
situation, but he assures her he'll be over
shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bath
room and he gets down on his knees and
takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of
touches it to see what it might be and POP!
The balloon explodes and **** is everywhere.
On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over
30 years, and this is the first time I've ever
actually seen a fart !"

 

Teacher: "Johnny, can you use the word “gruesome” in a sentence?"

Johnny: "Yes ma’am, I used to be shorter, then I gruesome."

 

My wife really needs to lose some weight.
I said to her earlier, "You've got something on your chin."
"Oh god," she said, "Whereabouts?"
"The fourth one down," I replied.

 

Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge".

Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed". He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her va*ina.

"How does that feel?" he asks.

"Fuc*king lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear!"

 

My father's generation where made of sterner stuff, he said during the blitz people just got on with life as best they could and if a bomb had your name on it then so be it, although this did nothing to comfort Mr & Mrs doodlebug who lived nearby

 

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and here's me thinking the smell was from the fish van

 

I didn't know joint parties were legal in the UK.

 

Those Boshi power tools look the better bet, they are on sale

 

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