Off Topic Lets talk about......Death

I don’t want to be morbid or upset anyone but I’m really curious on people’s thought about death.
Obviously I see it more often than most but recently I’ve been thinking more about the whole concept of what is for us all, something that we are eventually gonna have to face.
I read today about ‘Death Cafes’, where people meet and have conversations about death, their feelings, emotions, thoughts and basically anything they want. Hopefully, so they say, it gets us thinking about our mortality, get us to accept what to many is the last taboo and will hopefully get us to appreciate our lives even more while we are here.

Any thoughts ? (Hopefully this thread doesn’t ‘die a death’ )

 

Nah

 

Out of curiosity....Why ?

Does it scare you ? Depress you ? Something you just don’t want to think about ?

 

You're a bag of joy this morning!

It's not something I think about - I've had a good life, and don't think there's too much I'd change about my past. If I was to pop my clogs tomorrow I'm sure I'd be a bit gutted but I'd be content in a way.

I certainly don't want to get old and require the services of a care home or hospice - I've told my son I'd rather be dead than have to go through that.

I'll definately be having a humanist funeral whenever I do pass. This is one of the songs I want played...

 

Mate I honestly don’t mean it to be a miserable subject.....more being thoughtful. My crewmate is really into End of Life Care and it’s really got me interested. Seeing death up front and personal makes it even more so.
My mum and dad both had humanist funerals......I would thoroughly recommend them.....it’s like a ‘This WAS your life’.....

 

Nobody gets out alive, so not being able to do anything about it means I don’t worry to much, but at the back of my mind the fact I will at some stage no longer be here and no longer able to comfort my children or grandchildren does make me sad I suppose.
And for me I think it’ll be one of these pure cremation things, I find being sad and upset at someone’s death bad enough without having to go through it all again a couple of weeks later at the funeral, so for me it’s something I’m looking at wanting, other than that nahhhhh !!!

 

That really hits home.....and like you, the thing that makes me sad is the fact that I won’t be ‘here’ anymore and that life for my family will keep going on without me.....it’s all so...inevitable.

 

I’ve thought about it more and more the older I’ve got. Losing a parent had made it all the more acute. When you’re a kid, you’re parents are invincible, they can solve everything for you. Having them around (for me) was like having something between me and “God”, so when my father died nearly 3 years ago it was like I was suddenly directly in the firing line.

My dad’s demise was pretty horrible too. As you age you seem to start collecting ailments. For him it started with glaucoma, then a heart attack, then prostate cancer, then Parkinson’s. The latter reduced what was always a fearsome, solidly built front-row forward into a skeletal husk of a man, stiff, hobbling, unable to feed himself. His last few days in hospital, driven delirious by urosepsis was truly awful.

I didn’t receive any help from my sister immediately after his death. I had (still have) a mother in full-on victim mode. The former Mrs Uber took it upon herself to embark on a new life for herself whilst all this was playing out.

So, part of me no longer fears death now. I only fear the means of death and hope it’s not drawn out and depressing like my father’s. I don’t believe there’s anything on the Other Side, so all the fear, regret, sadness etc. in solely on this side.

Despite not fearing it that much these days, I do need to start taking better care of myself again. These past near-3 years have taken its toll on me morale- wise, plus I’m beginning my collection of health “niggles”, so need to recover a little to be there for the kids.

Good subject, @Staines R's.

 

I've been to a couple of humanist funerals, or 'celebrations'. Much better than conventional religious services and certainly the way that I'd like to be sent off.

 

I've thought about death more since being diagnosed with prostate cancer, not about myself but those I leave behind,I'm lucky enough to have 18 grandchildren and if I'm honest i want to see then all grow up, they keep me strong and not being able to see them during this pandemic is painful enough and the thought of not being part of there lives saddens me, when the time comes just have me stuffed and sat in a corner

 

There’s so much music I’d like at my funeral and I’m disappointed I won’t be there to see the reaction.

I wanna be cremated, so remain amused by a medley of Arthur Brown’s “Fire”, Purple’s “Burn” and Cash’s “Ring Of Fire”.

Although my all time favourite song is Whitesnake’s “Ain’t Gonna Cry No More”, I’ve recently allowed Marillion’s “Fantastic Place” and Megadeth’s “A Toute La Monde” to challenge.

(Don’t be put off by Megadeth - it’s a fine song and worth a spin if you don’t know it)

 

Thanks for sharing mate. Reason I’ve brought up the subject is ‘cos of the article I read about Death Cafes. Seems a brilliant idea and something I’ll definitely be attending when all this is over, and maybe even host one myself.
Also just starting a book called ‘With the end in mind - Dying, death and wisdom in an age of denial’ by Kathryn Mannix......comes highly recommended

 

Going to bed now but hoping this thread continues for a bit.....giving me a lot to think about.
Thanks to all

 

About four and a half years ago I was given cause to ponder my own mortality for about two weeks when a misread scan caused me to think total kidney failure was imminent. I knew immediately that a life on dialysis was not for me, like Steels I have certain minimum requirements for quality of life.

My initial response was to take the family on holiday. They all knew the situation but we didn’t dwell on it, and in fact I felt quite serene (but to be fair no doctor had told me ‘you’re gonna die mate’). When a rescan told me that 50% of my kidney quotient was in fact fine it was a relief, but not a huge one, it’s only a delay of the inevitable of course. I’ve felt for a long time that I’ve had a great range of experiences and can have no complaints that I’ve missed out on anything other than through choice, or idleness or my own stupidity. I’m one of those who doesn’t get depressed or anxious about things, especially things I can’t control, and death is certainly in that category. The one thing I want to avoid is lying on my death bed and someone saying ‘if only you hadn’t.......eaten so much bacon/smoked like a chimney/drank like a fish/played around with mind altering substances/failed to leave the sofa for a decade....(delete as appropriate - all things I have done at some stage or another)’ so I have been looking after myself much better recently and the benefits of that are really evident. I don’t think it will extend my life but it has already made it better. I’d like to live long enough to enjoy a bit of healthy retirement, but if that’s not to be, no complaints.

So, if I have time to contemplate when death is imminent, I think mild disappointment at the inevitability will be the strongest emotion (as long as I’m not in horrible pain or no longer in control of myself/ able to exist with dignity. Like Steels there are certain diagnoses that I will not tolerate). I have no religious beliefs and am not even a humanist, so no post death expectations or at death celebrations needed. We have another rebooted thread for funerals, but I’m dead, what do I care? I suppose it would be nice if someone who loved me said some nice things.........nah, I really don’t care.

What I would advise to everyone is to make a will. If you want to spare your loved ones unnecessary angst beyond their total misery at your demise that is. If you want them to curse your name for years, don’t bother.

Re death cafes........not for me I think, bit of navel gazing, innit? But if people enjoy them, good luck.

 

Perhaps, to help with the morale, we should remember that all the joy, laughs, thrills and hopes are on this side too.

 

I note last week when you replied to one of my posts about considering my own and other family member's mortality that you are now in that phase. It's funny how life plays out these things, for me this is how each decade's mindset has played out:

Teens - Mindless indestructability, everything to look forward to and everything to excess, I think of things I did and got away with that would nowawdays drain the blood from my face but then you just didn't know the difference.

20s - My peak years with a young family and nothing I couldn't do if I wanted. At 24 I remember looking at my dear Dad who was my age now and thinking I don't want to be like that when I'm a pensioner, he seemed so old, everyone of that age seemed so old.

30s - A decade when I began thinking of things I had done wrong and not fulfilling my ambitions. I was in a secure job but beginning to lose the desire of risking change to better myself and being determined I would have things sorted by time I was 40.

40s - This was the start of beginning to look at the 'end' rather than just living for the moment. At 40 I thought if I live to be 80 this is halfway and it has gone so quickly. And I was still in the same job with a sense of I can't risk changing now.

50s - My life changing decade. I now know I am past the halfway point and it may be downhill all the way from here. My marriage was f*cked and followed by my Mum passing away in such an awful last few weeks. Three years later my Dad passed away again in trying circumstances. Their passing had a profound effect on me in that I never thought I would see such suffering at close quarters. I remarried and actually bought my first house, probably the best decisions of my life.

60s - This is the decade where you really do see the reality of things, I can remember all the things I could do in my teens and 20s so easily and my mind wants to do the same but it just doesn't happen. At regular intervals I see myself turning into my Dad, there was one instance a couple of years ago when I had the winter vomitting bug and was absolutely wiped out for six days. One morning I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror, what I saw was my Dad, my face was so hollow and drawn by the illness and it terrified me. I was 66 last week and now I think if I get to 100 I'm two thirds of the way, it's creeping up and the days seem to fly by.

The mind is a funny thing, it can make you feel so optimistic when things go well but when things don't, as at present, it can haunt you. There's nothing we can do to change what has happened but I really do now think what is happening will make me cherish what I have, my family and life in general. I'm reasonably healthy and determined to do as much as I can when this sh*itstorm is over. In a way sharing our thoughts on this can be quite theraputic...

 

I don’t think I’m afraid of dying but I’m afraid of the impact it would have on a few people if it happened too soon. Fortunately the missus has a strong business and we’re insured so she’d be fine financially which must be a big worry for some. I think I’d cope better without her than vice versa but statistics suggest I’d be the favourite to go first. Hopefully I’m nowhere near halfway done yet.

I’ve expected my dad to catch Corona and die as he’d be a textbook ICU candidate should he get it but he’s been fine so far. Parents aren’t together but my mum has it (the GP thinks, untested thus far) and it never even crossed my mind that she might not be around in ten years let alone ten days/weeks/months.

my real fear is illness rather than death. Chances are I’ll get cancer at some point in the next 30-50 years with my family history and just basic probability but the stuff that really freaks me out is seeing people my age getting MND. I don’t know why but the Fernando Ricksen case really got to me.

 

this was my first thought too.

 

Too much living to be done to be afraid