Off Topic Lets talk about......Death

I had a pretty **** decade when I was in my 30s. Aged 32, I had a lovely husband, a new and hugely exciting job/career, new house in the country, new baby. We as a family were indestructible.
Then my mum died, like her mother before her at the age of 72 from MS, I lost two babies within 3 years, one a cot death, my Dad died, and we also lost both my hubbies parents too in around 7 years. I didn't feel as indestructble then...and it changed my entire outlook on life. Different things became important. My family, which was never large, shank down to just hubbie and two daughters.

My attitude changed, I stopped planning deep into the future. I resolved to live each day and experience to the full. Tomorrow may never come. Leave your family with happy memories of the life togetherDo things now, tell your loved ones you love them and keep them close.


I took early retirement, when the stress became too much and I realised I had a lot to do, and the time to do it was decreasing. Now I am enjoying life, enjoying my family. I still have things to do...so Coronovirus has scared me that I have not done these things...so I will be doing them as soon as I can. Bt I know I will keep adding to that list, and I will never complete it.

The only thing that scares me now is Alzheimers, and losing my memories and losing my personality and my interaction with my family. Not "being there" for my girls. It is not the same as death, you have died you have gone, it is final ...the family will grieve but they will know the score. Alzheimers is a living death for the relatives, waiting every day for a sign of the old person still in there. The generation of new but bad and horrid memories. That is what scares me. I do not want that pretty please.

Anyway:-I have promised my granddaughter (14 months) that I will be at her wedding. I will do everything I can to honour that pledge.
Another pledge to myself is to see QPR lift the FA Cup....I hope that promise might keep me immortal

 

A very poignant and honest post Beth.....thank you.

 

Just getting ready to leave for work so will hopefully be able to look in later to the thread.
Thank you to all contributors so far.....it really has been, for me personally, quite emotional and has got my mind going over a few things.
Stay safe comrades

 

Over the last 4 or 5 years I've attended the funerals of 3 close friends and a work colleague, all of whom were younger than me. This, more than anything else I think, has made me focus more on my own mortality. You lose grandparents, then parents and aunts and uncles (the last of my elder relatives died just a couple of weeks ago) but when your contemporaries start dying it brings it home. I can't imagine how painful it must be to lose a partner or a child, and pray that I never find out.

The fact of my own inevitable death doesn't bother me that much though (other than that I don't want it to be too soon), but the manner of it does concern me a lot. The thought of contracting MND or something similar terrifies me and I really can't believe that the right to choose to die is still denied in this country.

 

Death - l think it’s grossly overrated.
I’ll pass, thanks.

 

A lot of very poignant posts......

This virus has brought things home to Mrs TR and me.......apart from aged mother who's in a care home I have no immediate family, Mrs TR has an older brother but only contacts us when he wants something......so if anything happens to both us nobody will know what to do with our affairs......we've spent a good part of this last 6 weeks sorting out financials putting everything in files and shredding all old paperwork.....it's quite a sobering thought that we're on our own.....

So assuming we come out the other end of this thing I'm going to stop working and we're going to do things like travel before it's too late.....

Stay safe all....

 

From the book I’ve been reading :

“ There are only two days with fewer than 24 hours in each lifetime, sitting like bookends astride our lives : one is celebrated every year, yet it is the other that makes us see living as precious.”

 

I also get emotional when the clocks change.

 

You need to pick up the Beano oe Viz, and get some light reading done mate!

Hope your shift waan't too bad?

 

A very honest and moving post, Vern. You have spoken previously about losing your babies, which must be an incredibly hard thing to speak about.

Yes, I fear Alzheimer's too as there are a few instances of it in my family, although I often wonder whether its simply more prevalent across the population because fewer people die of the other nasties these days. I suppose something has to get you in the end, but I'd prefer to be asleep and unaware of it at the time, if that's at all possible.

Hopefully, your granddaughter's wedding won't be on Cup Final Day!

 

Ubers ...I never thought of that! Thank you

I better start having that conversation about needing to be involved with the planning now

 

thanks for your stories here. It's certainly interesting to hear people views and experiences and has certainly enlightened me to the subject.

I think Sb hit the nail on the head with me about fearing death but knowing it is inevitable so there is no point worrying about it and just living life to the fullest (on not606 in this current period ).

Take care everyone

 

Really interesting thread and discussion Staines, thanks. Reading through, and hearing what others have experienced reminds me how fortunate I am to be here. When I was 21 I had a random seizure, and after an MRI scan a few days later I was diagnosed with, and I quote from my doctor's letter, 'a gigantic colloid cyst (brain tumour) of the third ventricle (very centre of my brain)'. The doctors made it very clear to me that what they found is usually found in a postmortem. I had two days sitting in hospital, being asked my name and where I was every hour night and day to check I was still mentally cognitive. In those two days they took scans and put plans in place for major neurosurgery. Two days where I spent a lot of time considering my own mortality. After six hours of very invasive neurosurgery I was very fortunate to come out the other side, and after a lengthy recovery, continue my studies and start work.

I know others dismiss faith as being irrelevant these days, but for me, having a faith was and is really helpful when thinking about death. Having a hope that there is something beyond this life has been a comfort to me when loved ones have passed, and when I have had to stare the very real prospect of dying in the face.

 

I’m glad somebody with faith has given their perspective. To be fair Dave, I don’t think anyone on this thread has dismissed faith, just given their own (largely faithless admittedly) personal viewpoints about death. And this certainly isn’t the place to enter one of those pointless debates about belief.

That’s an incredible and scary experience, glad it turned out well!

 

Oh i am envious of you davey boy. I think faith is generally a good thing, it teaches good stories and it allows you to believe in something that as long as it makes you happier and doesn't impede on others is a good thing. I have lots of religious friends and no doubt many of them are probably more content with life without huge material goods (of course this could go with many people)

I just don't believe in religion or the god that's interpreted in the texts. I blame my "logical" brain with how can this and that happen etc. Anyway lets not go there

 

To be honest G, i think it would be very difficult to have any discussion about death without having some reference to faith. When I put up this thread in the early hours I hoped it would get people thinking and I’m really pleased it has.....and I’m hoping (as has happened) it wouldn’t go the way of other threads with petty arguments etc......it has certainly gone the way I wanted and hopefully given some food for thought.

Do people on here understand what happens when we die ? I’ve seen many peaceful deaths and though some parts of the whole ‘life goes on without us’ upsets me......I’m beginning to be at peace with the whole process of ‘dying’...Though of course it can happen in many different ways.

 

I have spent far too much time in my own brain trying to decide what sort of death is best, ...as though we get a choice in the matter!...
A sort of thought experiment


So do we want to have a slower death, when you know what is coming ...so all sides can have a chance to say goodbye, say the things they want to say, tidy things up, be with your loved ones at the end. But this sort of death is often messy, prolonged and painful both physically and mentally

Or

Would we want a quick death (say a sudden heart attack). With little pain but on your own. With things left unsaid and unfinished. One minute you are here one minute you are not.


I know we have no choice thank goodness for that.
I have no answer for the question myself...but I do try never go to bed on an argument

 

Would you want to know your death date if you could? On balance I think I would.

 

Out of interest, why? I certainly wouldn’t, I would think about it too much.

 

Interesting thread and an amazing bunch or perspectives and experiences. I genuinely feel privileged to be a part of this online community.

I don’t have any religion. Mother Jewish and father Catholic - not sure how that ever happened. Anyway, I’ve abstained from religion.

I don’t believe I am scared of death itself but I am scared of how it will come to me and the consequences my passing might have for my loved ones.