Off Topic Limericks

There once was a Countess of Bray Who you might find it strange when I say That despite her high station And posh education She often spelled c*nt with a K Go for it!

 

There once was a closet Mackem.
Who would say of Sunderland “fack ‘em
He would swear he was black & white.
But on his seat he would ****e
While saying of the St James toilets “I cant hack em”

 

Very good

 

There's a man they all call Richard Masters
And he's is a ****

 

Brucey and co haven't had a clean sheet since day dot,
An attacking idea between them? I think you'd find not.
Smash it up front, playing hoof-ball all day.
At least we're not Sunderland, is all I can say.
Poems are for bum pirates, so that's your lot.

 

Twelve plus one hundred and forty-four
Added to twenty and three square roots of four
When divided by seven
Added to five times eleven
Equals nine squared and nothing more

 

A dozen, a gross and a score
Plus three times the square root of four
Divided by seven
Plus five times eleven
Is nine squared and not a bit more

 

I knew it was something like that but couldn't remember it exactly and couldn't be bothered enough to Google it. Good one though.

 

There once was a man from Leeds
who swallowed a packet of seeds
in less than an hour his cock was a flower
and his balls were a mass of weeds
oldie but goodie in my opinion

 

There was a mackem lass called Alice Who used a dynamite stick as a phallis They found her vagina in North Carolina And her arsehole in Crystal Palace

 

There once was a fat lad named Ben,
Who played for us at number 10,
He had plenty of skill,
but a questionable will.
And now he's even been let go by Rennes

 

Jack and Jill went up the hill
So Jack could lick Jill's fanny
But Jack got a shock
And a mouth full of cock
cause jill was a ****ing tranny

 

There was a young fella called Dave, who found a dead whore in a cave.
" I know it's disgusting, she only only needs dusting but think of the money I'll save "

 

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I have remembered this one since the age of twelve. Written by Spike Milligan.

There once was a woman from Bude,
Who went for a swim in a lake,
A man in a punt,
Stuck a pole in her ear,
And said: "You can't swim here, it's private!"

 

There once was a man who wasn't very good at limericks.

 

There once was a poster named Ben,
Who used to **** over our number ten,
What he doesn't want to hear,
Though it's true, I fear,
He's still as deluded now as he was back then!