Practical Advice For Christmas Presents (POT)

Discussion in 'Newcastle United' started by TheJudeanPeoplesFront, Nov 17, 2013.

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  1. TheJudeanPeoplesFront

    TheJudeanPeoplesFront Well-Known Member

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    So, we're getting towards the time of year where you hope you've suitably distanced yourselves from friends with a December birthday to be in the "card-only zone" or, if you're just that good, the "generic facebook post zone", and cross your fingers that winter takes it's icy toll on one or two of the older members of kin so Christmas is less of a financial burden... Or you may be a nice person, whichever floats your boat.

    Either way, I think it's thoroughly practical, ney essential to share our collective experience in Christmas gift getting, wrapping and the expression of fake sincerity when you eventually unwrap that PS4 shaped box with your name on to find that extra shelf you don't need...

    My own advice;
    1. If you have a partner, now is the time to unleash that ruthless and competitive streak you've tried to hide like you're Bruce Banner... You must destroy them with your gift!!! A look of resignation on their face when you go to unwrap your present, as they hold their dream in their hands, is what Jesus would have wanted. BOOM. #Winning

    If you lose on Christmas, the other person has the upper-hand and you look like a twat for not trying as hard. Inevitably you can use these bonus points later as a trump card... "You never say I love you anymore...", "I said it with diamond necklace... Look, it's all written here in that £3.99 journal you got me in return...".

    2. Do not, under any circumstances, tell somebody you have an awesome gift for, that they are about to get an awesome gift. Not only will this increase the "present armament" with rapidity, but they will now think you've got them something you haven't actually got them. Sure, you remembered something they said they wanted 7 months ago, and it's all very cute and loving, but I'm afraid they've thought of other consumables they want since then.

    3. Wrapping a present with excessive amounts of sellotape, so that the present receiver cannot gain entry, is hilarious. It's especially funny if you hide the scissors and the recipient is elderly. Feel free to add additional layers of wrapping underneath for extra torment.

    4. Do your shopping as late as possible. It's more fun this way, and you lose more calories.

    5. Open small presents first, and so slowly it annoys everyone else. At some point they'll leave the room for a cup of tea, at which point you can open the bigger ones, have your "WTF?!?!?!" moment, and then fix a well-meaning smile to your face in time for their reappearance. More female leather gloves... Just what I always wanted Gran...
     
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  2. Albert's Chip Shop

    Albert's Chip Shop Bruce OUT
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    Good advice fella.
     
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  3. Agent Bruce

    Agent Bruce Well-Known Member

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    So TJPF, what can I expect Santa to bring me from you?
     
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  4. Agent Bruce

    Agent Bruce Well-Known Member

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    Not the same as last year I hope.
     
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  5. TheJudeanPeoplesFront

    TheJudeanPeoplesFront Well-Known Member

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    How was I supposed to know which type of balls you were referring to? Yeah, we met on a football forum, but with your inherently sexualised nature, that was just a shockingly irresponsible lack of specificity <ok>

    I do, however, apologise to WP and his mother for the whole "nuts" fiasco.
     
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  6. Vilsmeier-Haack Reaction

    Vilsmeier-Haack Reaction Well-Known Member

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    The title suggested to me we should consider cannabis as a practical xmas present, i wanted to be on your xmas list :(
     
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  7. Warm Pouch

    Warm Pouch Better than JPF

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    Good advice. I'd say 2,3 and 4 should be a given for anyone. Anyone who doesn't dash round the metrocentre on Christmas eve doesn't know what they are missing. That frantic look on many a male face is a sight to behold. I don't find it hard to pick gifts for people (or maybe I just don't care enough?) so I find it particularly enjoyable watching others squirm.

    My wrapping upsets the missus no end. She always want to take over to wrap things neatly like some M&S advert. No, no, no. I want mine to look like a big ball a 5 yr old has wrapped, with a ridiculous number of layers and complex sellotape weaving.

    Why does anyone tell someone "wait till you se what I've got you". Its silly, there is no way it can live up to the billing. The look on my bros face when I got him a unicycle a couple of years back was priceless. The wonderment and challenge that lay ahead. Ok his girlfriend thought I was simple and immediately moaned "Where are we gonna put that? (hardly the largest things in the world) He'll hurt himself. (Exactly) You lot are so childish. (And?) That will see ignore me for the next two weeks. (Fantastic, lucky him)

    I did also think this was about weed and also wanted on your chrimbo list.
     
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  8. TheJudeanPeoplesFront

    TheJudeanPeoplesFront Well-Known Member

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    <laugh><laugh><laugh> glad I'm not the only one! Anyone who has perfected Christmas wrapping has most likely neglected something infinitely more important to invest time in... Like whaling or breathing.


    As an aside, getting people pissed sneakily is wonderfully funny.
     
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  9. Albert's Chip Shop

    Albert's Chip Shop Bruce OUT
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    JPF- you working Wednesday? - I'll be passing through that's all :)
     
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  10. mancgeordie1892

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    Cheap as chips this year due to "tactical breakup". Dad gets whiskey, mum gets chocs and wet wet wet tickets, and the nipper gets a my first toon shirt and something to annoy the ex :)
     
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  11. Agent Bruce

    Agent Bruce Well-Known Member

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    It's just your booze he's after TJPF, lock the doors and pretend you're not at home.
     
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  12. TheJudeanPeoplesFront

    TheJudeanPeoplesFront Well-Known Member

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    Always working mate! Saves my dad having to though...



    P.s
    Keep away from Sandwich girl... She's a redhead <laugh>
     
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  13. TheJudeanPeoplesFront

    TheJudeanPeoplesFront Well-Known Member

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    Sounds a lot like my brother's tactical first dates on Valentines Day - Genius!
     
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  14. Albert's Chip Shop

    Albert's Chip Shop Bruce OUT
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    I'll be on it like a tramp on a sandwich.
    See you about 3pm.
     
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