Off Topic The Goodhand Arms

So I was in a shoe shop this morning trying on a shoe, I said to the assistant "It's too tight".
She said "Try it with the tongue out"
I said "It'th nho ghood, it'th thtill thoo thight".

 

The little girl was sitting in her father's lap as he read her a goodnight story.

From time to time, she would take her eye's off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.

By and by she was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.

Finally she spoke, "Daddy, did God make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart" he answered, "God made me a long time ago."

"Oh she said," then "daddy, did God make me too?"

"Yes, indeed honey" he assured her. "God made you just a little while ago."

"Oh" she said.

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,

"God's getting better at it now isn't he?"

 

Cute little girl was walking her dog. The priest asked what his name was. "Porky" said the youngster. "Unusual" said the priest "why is that"?
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"He keeps ****ing pigs".

 

The new release of the Premier League version of table football has just started to hit the pubs ......

 

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How can you tell a Scotsmans clan?
Stick your hand up his kilt. If you can feel a couple of quarter pounders he's a Macdonalds

 

An English man a Welsh man and a Scotsman were playing golf with their wives as caddies. The wives were all wearing short skirts. The English man sinks his putt and his wife bent over to retrieve the ball. The English man asks Why aren't you wearing any knickers? His wife replied You don't give me enough house keeping money. The English man said Here's twenty quid buy yourself some. The same thing happened with the Welsh man. Here’s twenty quid yourself some. The same thing happened with the Scotsman. The Scotsman threw his wife a comb and said Well at least tidy yourself up a bit.

 

I was chatting to an old mate of mine the other day and asked him what his job was these days.

“I cook meals for the homeless, drug addicts, the socially and intellectually challenged, people with addictions to gambling and alcohol, and general pond-life to be honest”.

“Is that charity work?” I asked

“No, Weatherspoons”

 

An Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...

The doorman stops them and says “Sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai.”

 

Still recycling old jokes from this thread then I see lol. I put that joke on here a few months ago mind you I only used about 5 countries. It must've taken ages to type that lot

 

A bloke was playing golf one day and he got lost.

He saw a young lady playing up ahead of him and went over to her and said, "Can you please help me? I don't know what hole I'm on"

She told him, "You are one hole behind me, I'm on 7 and you are on 6"

He thanked her and carried on playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same woman and went over to her again,

"I'm sorry to bother you but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on?"

She told him "You are one hole behind me, I'm on 14 and you are on 13"

Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went over to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out.

She accepted. As they were drinking and chatting he asked her what she did for a living.

“I'm in sales"

He replied "No kidding so am I, what do you sell?"

She said It's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she"d tell him if he promised not to laugh.

He promised.

She said, "I sell tampons"

The bloke immediately fell to the floor laughing his socks off.

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh!"

He replied, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it... I sell toilet paper, I’m still one hole behind you"!!!

 

A guy out playing golf hits his ball in the rough. As he is looking for his ball he finds a lamp and gives it a rub and a Genie appeared. The Genie said I will grant you three wishes but what ever you wish for your mother in law gets three times the amount. What would you like for your first wish? The guy said I would like to be the richest person in the world. The Genie said You are now the richest person in the world but you are not any more because your mother in law is three times richer. What would you like for your second wish. The guy said I would like the biggest yacht in th world. The Genie replied You now have the biggest yacht in the world but you haven't any more because your mother in laws is three times bigger. What would you like for your last wish? The guy replied You couldn't arrange for a mild heart attack could you?

 

I was just thinking about these Genie jokes and getting three wishes.Why doesn't anyone ever wish for and unlimited amount of wishes?