Off Topic The Goodhand Arms

Two men are busted for drugs. The judge says, "I'd like to give you both a second chance. I want you to help other people quit. Come back on Monday, and I'll pass judgment then,"


Next Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do?"


"Your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs," he beams.


"That’s wonderful". The judge says. "How did you do that?"


"I used a diagram with two circles" the guy explains. "I said the big circle was their brain before drugs and the little one was their brain after."

“Excellent. Not guilty” Says the judge. Before addressing the second man, "And how did you do?"


"Your Honour, I persuaded 235 people to give up drugs,"


"Amazing, how did you do that? Asks the judge.


"Well, I used the same diagram. All I did was point to the smaller circle and said, “This is your arsehole before you go to prison."

 

A married couple at a friends wedding evening disco were watching some of the guests dancing, when they notice a good looking and still fit guy dancing with a much younger woman. The couple danced through a whole routine and finally held the floor with a really hot jive display.

The wife turns to her husband and said.....”See that guy dancing with the young woman? 25 years ago he proposed to me, and I turned him down and ended up with you.”

The husband shrugged his shoulders, downed his pint in one go and said....”Looks to me like he's still celebrating”

 

RIP Barry Cryer

 

Still working and making people laugh at 86. Legend.
RIP Barry

 

A man owns a parrot that can't stop swearing.

So he says to him, 'If you don't stop swearing, I'll put you in the fridge.'

The parrot keeps on swearing. So he puts it in the fridge.

Five minutes later, he takes the parrot out of the fridge, and says to it, 'Are you going to stop swearing?'

'Yes,' says the parrot. 'But what did that chicken do?'

RIP Barry Cryer

 

I had dinner with Barry Cryer and Guy Pratt a few years ago. Was a very, very, very entertaining evening. A genuine gent, as well as being very funny. RIP.

 

Another Barry Cryer parrot joke:

Woman goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot, pet shop person says “well we’ve only got one left, and its previous home was in a brothel, so its language might be a bit unsuitable for a family.”

“No problem” says the woman and takes the parrot home. When it’s been uncovered in the front room, the parrot looks around and says “New place, new place, very nice, very nice”.

Then the woman’s two teenage daughters arrive home and the parrot says “New girls, new girls, very nice, very nice”.

The the woman’s husband arrives home and the parrot says “Hello Keith!”

 

Moved to tears watching the program on the portrait paintings of holocaust survivors commissioned by Prince Charles.

 

Well, I’ll soon be on my back south from Manchester!
Just finished my last proton treatment at the Christie hospital and will be heading home tomorrow.
It’s been an “interesting” journey (highlight was watching last weeks game with a Man City supporter) with a lot of ups and downs.
I cannot taste food, tea and coffee are undrinkable as they taste so disgusting. Even water tastes salty and awful. Getting food down is a battle, as it feels like I have a great lump of broken glass in my throat which I have to get it past - so I’m drinking protein shakes (6 a day) to make up for it.
Hopefully in a few weeks the pain will start to subside and I can reduce the cocktail of drugs I’m on to a more reasonable level!!
The NHS is bloody wonderful - I could kiss all the radiographers, doctors, dieticians, support staff up here - and I’m being handed back to the General now (UHS as I should properly call it) and I’m sure I could kiss them all too.
Hopefully I’ll find out if I’m clear at 3 to 6 months - so a while to go yet!
So …. If you have a sore throat for more than a couple of weeks and it’s not responding to anything, if you have a lump in your neck or (if you have tonsils - I don’t) your tonsils are inflamed or won’t respond to antibiotics, go get it checked out. I was super lucky that my GP sent me straight to ENT - others I’ve spoken to up here haven’t been so lucky.
I’m planning on doing some fundraising for the Christie institute - watch this space.

 

Wishing you a speedy recovery Dave

 

All the best Dave, rooting for you mate.

 

Good to hear you're on recovery road Dave.

 

I am sure that you will be in very safe hands, at the UHS.
Your consultant will be a different person to the one who treated my wife, because of the varying specialities, but I am sure he will every bit as good.
Your positivity will be a bonus as well.
Fingers crossed for you.

 

You'll do it

 

Badger, don't think I commiserated with you regarding your wife when it happened (it's because I'm not good at that sort of thing) but I want to do it now. Dave and you are now in my thoughts.

 

Awesome news, Dave!!

 

Thank you

 

Doctor: You’ve got gallstones
Patient: What’s the cure?

Doctor: A British rock band fronted by Robert Smith, but please stay focused.