Separate names with a comma.
Discussion in 'Watford' started by wear_yellow, Apr 8, 2011.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
Donald Trump met with the Queen, and he asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?"
The Prime Minster walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Boris. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, he answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. “ Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one."
He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
Finally, Pence ran in to his friend Jack Murphy in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Jack, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Jack Murphy answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!"
Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle: It's my friend Jack Murphy!"
Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot! It's Boris Johnson!"
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Seb is a fan of tiktok, and I have to say, some of it is quite funny.
Comedian Fin Taylor:
"It’s very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious."
The pedant in me says it's not the bottom of the door, it's the sills underneath...
Jacinda Ardern, Prime Minister of Nee Zulland, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.
"Jacinda, it's the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergincy !! I've jist received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklind hes burned to the ground through arsin. It is istimated that the entire Nee Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."
PM: "Shut !! The economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We wull be ruined."
Hilth Munister: "We're going to haf to shup some in from Brutun ?"
PM: "No chence. The Poms will have a field day on thus one."
Hilth Munister: "What about Australia ?"
PM: "I'll call the Aussies. Tell them we need one million condoms, ten enches long and four enches thuck. That way they'll continue to respect the 'All Blacks'."
Three days later, a delighted John rushes out to open the boxes that arrived at the Pist Offuce. He finds one million condoms - 10 enches long, 4 enches thuck, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one - "MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM"
Bit concerned that a pedant such as thee, is accepting of the punctuation.
Messrs Mainwaring and Wilson didn't bother themselves with such trivialities - after all there was a war on, don't ye know...
I suppose I should count myself lucky you didn’t end that with:
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.' The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together. 'The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.' The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. 'Oh, no, ' he says, 'Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!