Some Fun For a Friday Afternoon

From Viz:

Yesterday, I went into my local B & Q store and this man in orange and brown comes over to me and asks me if I want decking. Luckily I got the first punch in, but you can’t be too careful.

 

A bloke goes to a fancy dress party with a naked girl on his back.

"What the hell are you?" asks the host.

"I'm a snail" says the bloke.

"But you've got a naked girl on your back" says the host.

"Yeah," says the bloke, "That's Michelle!"

 

Old ones are the best BB

 

Two men from L*t*n go to Scotland to hunt deer. Suddenly, one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't appear to be breathing, and his eyes have rolled back. The other man takes out his mobile and dials 999.
"Emergency. What service do you require?"
"An ambulance I suppose. I don't know, I think my friend may be dead! What should I do?”
The operator takes control and in a calm and soothing voice she says:
“Just take a deep breath and relax. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The man's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

 

A dog goes into a local newspaper office, takes a blank form for a classified advertisement and writes:
“Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
Then he takes it to the lady at the desk. She examines it and says politely to the dog:
“You know, there are only nine words here. You could write another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
“Why?” asks the dog, “That wouldn't make any sense.”

 

lmao!

 

An Emo Philips joke:

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said:
"Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
"Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well... are you religious?"
"Yes."
I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God!"
"Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God!"
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.

 

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough...

 

lol...funny!

 

I remember Maureen Lipman telling this one:

A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

 

I failed my driving test. The man asked me "What do you do at a red light?"
I said, "I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio…"

 

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned
over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to
get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking
driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of
me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't
realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my
fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for 25 years

 

i know that grandmother! lol

 

A drunk rang a radio-phone in on the subject of drink. After a while of extolling the virtues of being rat-arsed, he mentioned that he'd woken up that morning in bed with the ugliest woman he'd ever encountered.

"I can tell you, Gary, I was really glad to find I'd made it home ok..."

 

A policeman knocks at the door and says: "Are you Mr Smith?, I'm afraid it looks like your wife has been in an accident. I know he says, but she has a heart of gold.

 

Leo .

 

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

 

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

 

An English teacher is reminding her class of the next day's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

One smart-arse Johnny in the back of the room shouts out, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

The class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and says sweetly,

"That's not an excuse. You can write with your other hand."

 

A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."

The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.

He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."