Some Fun For a Friday Afternoon

Discussion in 'Watford' started by wear_yellow, Apr 8, 2011.

  1. Norwayhornet

    Norwayhornet Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2011
    Messages:
    16,473
    Likes Received:
    64
    There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman."
     
    #81
  2. Norwayhornet

    Norwayhornet Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2011
    Messages:
    16,473
    Likes Received:
    64
    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

    The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

    While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
     
    #82
  3. wear_yellow

    wear_yellow Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    6,838
    Likes Received:
    642
    Norway - If the helicopter business dries up you could get a gig at The Comedy Store...
     
    #83
  4. Norwayhornet

    Norwayhornet Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2011
    Messages:
    16,473
    Likes Received:
    64
    Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"

    The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".
     
    #84
  5. Bolton's Boots

    Bolton's Boots Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    19,517
    Likes Received:
    3,318
    I took my 85 year old dad to the shops the other day to buy some new shoes and we decided to grab a bite to eat in a cafe.

    I noticed he kept watching a teenager sitting next to him - a guy with spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange & blue.

    My Dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.....

    When he'd had enough of Dad staring , he sarcastically asked: 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

    Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one.

    And in classic style he did not bat an eye lid in his response:

    'Got stoned once a while back and f****d a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'
     
    #85
  6. Norwayhornet

    Norwayhornet Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2011
    Messages:
    16,473
    Likes Received:
    64
    here is a guy. His favorite bar is called 'Sally's Legs'. The bar is closed, so he waits outside for it to open. He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, "What are you doing?" The guy replies, "I'm waiting for 'Sally's Legs' to open so I can get a drink."
     
    #86
  7. Norwayhornet

    Norwayhornet Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2011
    Messages:
    16,473
    Likes Received:
    64
    Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand" "So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
     
    #87
  8. Norwayhornet

    Norwayhornet Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2011
    Messages:
    16,473
    Likes Received:
    64
    Do yu want any more?
     
    #88
  9. Bolton's Boots

    Bolton's Boots Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    19,517
    Likes Received:
    3,318
    West Yorkshire Police have expressed concern at a rise in the number of Ecstasy users injecting the drug directly into their mouths for a faster hit.

    The practice has become known locally as E by gum.
     
    #89
  10. Norwayhornet

    Norwayhornet Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2011
    Messages:
    16,473
    Likes Received:
    64
    A koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink. When he's done, slam goes his paw again for more. This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the barkeep told him if he was looking for a good time, there was some one in the back room who could help him, the koala decides why not and goes into the back room. There he meets a prostitute who is waiting for him. That night he has the best sex he has ever had. After the prostitute turns to the koala and says, "How about my money," the koala looked confused and the prostitute brought out a dictionary and it said...PROSTITUTE: Has sex for money.

    So in response the koala turn to the definition for the koala and it says. KOALA: Eats bush and leaves.
     
    #90

  11. wear_yellow

    wear_yellow Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    6,838
    Likes Received:
    642
    Norway - Should that be "Eats, Shoots & Leaves"? I know what I would prefer...
     
    #91
  12. Norwayhornet

    Norwayhornet Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2011
    Messages:
    16,473
    Likes Received:
    64
    There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

    Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

    "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

    "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison
     
    #92
  13. Bolton's Boots

    Bolton's Boots Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    19,517
    Likes Received:
    3,318
    <laugh> norway. There's many an Aussie male with the nickname 'Wombat' for the same reason - he eats roots and leaves.

    Not too many know how to use a dictionary though........
     
    #93
  14. Norwayhornet

    Norwayhornet Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2011
    Messages:
    16,473
    Likes Received:
    64
    Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming...

    1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

    2. Whenever you're right, shut up
    The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....


    You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.



    My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.



    A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.


    A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'


    First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'

    Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
     
    #94
  15. Norwayhornet

    Norwayhornet Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2011
    Messages:
    16,473
    Likes Received:
    64
    depends whether your on an aussie website or not <laugh>
     
    #95
  16. Bolton's Boots

    Bolton's Boots Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    19,517
    Likes Received:
    3,318
    After years of research, a scientist finally developed a successful method for self-cloning. Unfortunately, however, all his clone would do was sit around mouthing obscenities. After a few weeks of this, the scientist got so fed up that he pushed his clone out of the 10th-storey office window.

    A short time later there was a knock on his office door. The scientist opened it to find a policeman, who said,

    "You&#8217;re under arrest for making an obscene clone fall."
     
    #96
  17. Bolton's Boots

    Bolton's Boots Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    19,517
    Likes Received:
    3,318
    Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette. As a group, they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen, the rope would break and everyone would perish.

    For an agonising few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.

    The blondes all applauded.
     
    #97
  18. Bolton's Boots

    Bolton's Boots Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    19,517
    Likes Received:
    3,318
    I hired an East European lady to clean my house. Took her 6 hours to vacuum the place.

    Turns out she was a Slovak.
     
    #98
  19. hornethologist a.k.a. theo

    hornethologist a.k.a. theo Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2011
    Messages:
    4,050
    Likes Received:
    848
    A drunk falls into the river where an evangelical pastor is baptising his flock. By chance the pastor grabs hold of the drunk and lifts his head above the water.
    "Have you found Jesus?" he demands.
    The drunk shakes his head so the pastor plunges him into the water again, holding him under for a few seconds before raising his head again.
    "Have you found Jesus?" he demands again.
    "No," the drunk splutters before his head is forced under water for a third time and held there for a full thirty seconds. Finally the pastor pulls his head above water.
    "Have you found Jesus?" he demands.
    "No," the drunk says, spitting mouthfuls of water. "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
     
    #99
  20. Norwayhornet

    Norwayhornet Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2011
    Messages:
    16,473
    Likes Received:
    64
    Theo you been at the kevin wilson stuff again!! ^^
     
    #100

Share This Page