The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

  1. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    if you already look at the jokes on the QPR page or the rep brothel
    don't waste your time here

    if you don't
    well I hope you find some of these funny
     
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  2. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Researchers for the Ministry of Transport found over 200 dead crows near greater Manchester recently and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

    A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

    The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

    However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the birds beaks and claws.

    By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

    The M of T then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

    The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause:

    When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.


    They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry."
     
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  3. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    I went to my local petrol station to put air in my tyres, I was shocked as it's gone up from 20p to 50p.

    That's inflation for you!
     
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  4. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
    As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.
    More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.
    Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter


    how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'
    After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.
    'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'
    'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.
    The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'
    The Banker looks down in horror.
    "BLOODY HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...
     
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  5. UTRs

    UTRs Senile Member

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    It has been leaked to the press that further clampdowns are to be expected in North Korea, including a ban on listening to music that makes you feel happy.

    Coldplay are planning a tour there in the near future.
     
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  6. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
     
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  7. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    My secretary sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault really - I should have taken them off.
     
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  8. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    just posting cos I didn't like the posts and views number
     
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  9. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Sean is the pastor of a Church of England parish on the Northern Ireland/ Southern Ireland border and Patrick is the priest in the Roman Catholic Church across the road.
    One day they are seen together, erecting a sign into the ground, which says:
    THE END IS NEAR!
    TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
    AFOR IT IS TOO LATE!
    As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Oirish religious nutters! We don't need your lectures."
    From the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.


    Shaking his head, Rev. Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."


    "Yaa," Pastor Sean agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say, 'Bridge Out?'"
     
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  10. UTRs

    UTRs Senile Member

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    My confidence hit a new low today.

    Both of my ex-imaginary girlfriends have turned lesbian and started dating.
     
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  11. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    This was written by a black gentleman in Texas and is so funny. What a great sense of humour.
    When U Black, U Black

    When I was born, I was BLACK,
    When I grew up, I was BLACK,
    When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
    When I got cold, I was BLACK,
    When I was scared, I was BLACK,
    When I was sick, I was BLACK,
    And when I die, I'll still be BLACK.
    NOW, You 'white' folks......
    When you're born, you're PINK,
    When you grow-up, you're WHITE,
    When you go in the sun, you get RED,
    When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
    When you're scared, you're YELLOW,
    When you get sick, you're GREEN
    When you bruise, you turn PURPLE,
    And when you die, you look GREY.

    So why y'all be callin' us COLORED Folks?
     
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  12. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    very good upthersss
    should be on the original joke thread
     
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  13. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Spare a thought for the guy who told his wife that he was

    going on a business trip to China on that ill-fated Malaysian

    flight, MH 370, and now can't leave his girlfriend's flat!
     
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  14. UTRs

    UTRs Senile Member

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    Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject liquid Ecstasy directly into their mouths.

    This dangerous process is known as 'E by gum'
     
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  15. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you - all the others kept me awake all night!"
     
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  16. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.


    'From now on when I say BELL1
    I want you to strip naked.
    When I say BELL 2
    I want you to jump in bed.
    And when I say BELL 3
    We are going to make love all night.
    ' The next night he came home from work and yelled
    'BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.


    When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.
    When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
    'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?


    'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied '
    YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'
     
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  17. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length
    looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed,
    middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may
    I have that seat?"
    The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans
    are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

    The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under
    that dog.

    "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are
    you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say
    a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window,
    and sat down.

    The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! this American should be
    put in his place!"

    An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem
    to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong
    hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you
    seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
     
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  18. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."
    "That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."
     
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  19. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.
    She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email.
    Boss’s wife read the email and filed for divorce.
    The email said: "Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow and a firm stroke. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it.
    Thanks a lot"



    Moral: A "space" is an essential part of English grammar.
     
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  20. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Jennifer walked up to a group of men at a STUTTER CONVENTION. "I will give a guy a blowjob who can say where he is from without stuttering".
    The 1st guy approaches " D-D-D-D-Deby"
    2nd... "Y-Y-Y-Y-York"
    3rd...."London.."
    so she gives him a blowjob, and when she is finished, he says "-d-derry"
     
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