A mother said to her daughter on her wedding day, "the way to really turn a man on is to nibble his ear lobes." The daughter replied, "no, mum, I think that"s bollocks."
For Dads there is Fathers Day, For mothers there is Mothers Day, For Lovers there is Valentines Day but for W*nkers there is Palm Sunday
In front of the congregation the minister high up in his pulpit produced two glasses.Into both he placed two worms.In one glass he poured water and into the other he poured whisky. In the water glass the worm swum about quite happily. In the whisky glass the worm wriggled for a short while then died ."Now members of the congregation....Can you tell me what this means!" A voice echoed from the rear of the Church. "If you drink whisky, You won"t get worms!"
I found someone’s wallet today, and as a good Christian I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I turned it into wine.
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I"ve got a big problem doctor. Every time we"re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that"s completely natural. I don"t see what the problem is." "The problem," she complained, "is that it wakes me up."
The landlord at my local pub announced there's going to be a hefty cash prize for this years best costume for Halloween. Last year my wife won it and she only f*cking came to pick me up.