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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

  1. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Dear Benefits Office Manager

    My name is Mohammed Reza and I live in Birmingham , and I would like to present before you the following story.
    Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter.
    After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter.
    My father eventually married her without my authorization.
    As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law.
    My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother.
    This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father.
    As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife.
    Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.
    A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle.
    My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.
    In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:
    Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfil the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?

    Sincerely yours,
    Mohammed.
     
    #41
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  2. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.







    As they walk, they come across a sign:

    "Beauty contest to find the most beautiful woman in the world."

    "I am entering" said Snow White.
    After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
    " First Place ," said Snow White.



    They continue walking and they see a sign:

    "Contest to find the strongest man in the world.."

    "I'm entering," says Superman.
    After half an hour he returns and they ask him,
    "How did you make out?""


    First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt it?"




    They continue walking when they see a sign:
    "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
    Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes...

    "What happened?" they asked.
    "Who the hell is Chris Cairns?" asked Pinocchio.
     
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  3. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
    Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
    The blonde replies,
    'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
    My mother had passed away.'
    The boss, feeling sorry for her, says,
    'Why don't you go home for the day?
    Take the day off to relax & rest.'
    'Thanks, but I'd be better off here.
    I need to keep my mind off it and
    I have the best chance of doing that here.'
    The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual.
    A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde.
    He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
    'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
    'No!' exclaims the blonde.
    'I just received a horrible call from my sister.
    Her mother died, too!'
     
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  4. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.
    A hospital spokesman replied:
    "Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight
     
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  5. UTRs

    UTRs Senile Member

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    One Direction singer Louis Tomlinson has apologised to fans after being filmed smoking a joint.

    "I'm really sorry," he said. "I had been doing mushrooms earlier, so I probably thought it was a cock."
     
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  6. UTRs

    UTRs Senile Member

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    My wife said she is leaving me because I am always jumping to conclusions.

    Now it turns out that she isn't.
     
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  7. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes".





    Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.
     
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  8. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    My neighbour was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing
    through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

    He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

    He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."

    "Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly.
    "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."

    "You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?"

    That's right! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license.

    I told him 'yes' and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer,
    cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, '
    You won't need this anymore'.

    So I thanked him and left!"
     
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  9. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Two Blondes With Hammers.

    Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work
    On a Habitat for Humanity House..
    Lynn was nailing down house siding,
    Would reach into her nail pouch,
    Pull out a nail & either toss it
    Over her shoulder or nail it in.
    Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,
    'Why are you throwing those nails away?'
    Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
    About half of them have the head on the wrong end
    & I throw them away.'
    Judy got completely upset & yelled,
    'You moron! Those nails aren't Defective!
    They're for the other side of the house!'
     
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  10. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A woman goes to the doctor...
    She goes to the doctor's office and during the examination she says,
    "Doctor, I've got a problem that i am deeply concerned about. I keep farting all the time, they don't smell or make a sound but I am constantly farting all the time, in fact I've farted 15 times since you've stepped in the room to exam me, I'm very worried that there is something wrong with me."
    the doctor writes her a prescription and says,
    "take 2 of these a day and see me in a week"
    The woman comes back in a week and says,
    "these pills aren't helping, in fact I'm even worse, I'm still farting all the time, they still don't make any noise, but now they smell horrible"
    the doctor says "good, we've cleared up your sinuses, now let's work on your hearing"
     
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  11. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A bloke calls his mate, the horse breeder, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
    His mate asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
    'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'
    So, the dwarf shows up, and the breeder asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
    'A female horth.'
    So he shows him a prized filly.
    'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'
    So the breeder picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
    'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
    So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
    'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'
    The breeder is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
    'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'
    Totally mad at this point, the breeder grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's bum, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
    The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
    'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'
     
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  12. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping
    centre and rolled down the car windows to make sure my
    Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air.
    She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress
    upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the kerb backward,
    pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
    "Now you stay. Do you hear me?"
    "Stay! Stay!"

    The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde,
    gave me a strange look and said:



    "Why don't you just put the handbrake on?"
     
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  13. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Did you hear about the two blondes
    Who froze to death in a drive-in movie?


    They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
     
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  14. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    I've just stocked my fridge with beers for the World Cup, customised for each match.

    I've got San Miguel for when Spain are playing because it's Spanish, Beck's for when Germany are playing because it's German and Carling for when England are playing because it's ****.
     
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  15. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Never Force Children To Pray …














    At dinner, a little boy was asked to lead the prayer.
    "But I don't know how to pray," he replies.
    Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.," says his father.

    "Okay," stuttered the boy. "Dear Lord,... Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbour's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's Blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work. AMEN"
    Dinner was cancelled.
     
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  16. UTRs

    UTRs Senile Member

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    I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Savile. When I was 8, he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded.
     
    #56
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  17. UTRs

    UTRs Senile Member

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    My Jimmy Savile advent calendar is ****. The flaps only open from 1-16
     
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  18. UTRs

    UTRs Senile Member

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    Football lovers. If you missed this evenings game between Iran and Nigeria, don't panic. Extended highlights will be shown on BBC1 from 11.45 to 11.47 tonight.
     
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  19. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    thanks for that utrs
     
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  20. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
    His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
    'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.
    'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
    'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
    'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
    'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
    'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
    And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
    Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
    They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
    Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
    Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
    The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
    'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
    So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
    'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
    The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

    So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
    Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
    He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
    The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.
    'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '
    The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.. ...
    Today you voted.
     
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