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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

Page 339 of 747
  1. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    upload_2019-9-13_20-41-24.jpeg
     
    #6761
    Taffvalerowdy, Sep 13, 2019
    mustyfrog, Wooperts_duck and San Diego like this.
  2. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A guy goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, I'm
    getting married next week, but I have had unprotected sex
    a couple of times lately. Before our marriage, I'd
    like to know if I have an STD; could you do a test for me?'
    'Sure', the doctor says, 'but the result
    of such a test takes 3 weeks, so it will not be in time for your
    marriage'
    'Oh dear', the guy says, 'What should I do?'
    'Well, the doctor replies, 'Perhaps I know something.
    You go to the meadows just outside the city, and wait till
    the sheep have gathered around you. Then you drop your pants
    and wait to see what happens... If the sheep just smell your dick
    and walk away, there is a problem. However, if they take
    your dick in their mouths and start sucking it, you're
    OK!'
    After a few weeks the doctor runs into the guy. 'And...',
    he asks, 'can I congratulate you on your marriage?'
    'No', the guy says, 'I've become a shepherd!'
     
    #6762
    kiwiqpr, Sep 14, 2019
    Makemstine Roger, mustyfrog, Wooperts_duck and 1 other person like this.
  3. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    UK politician Boris Johnson has promised to lie in front of bulldozers clearing a path for the 3rd Heathrow runway.
    This should be no problem for him as he has already had plenty of practice lying in front of a bus!
     
    #6763
    kiwiqpr, Sep 14, 2019
    Makemstine Roger and San Diego like this.
  4. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" she asks.

    "I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.

    The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"

    The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten Bitch", she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
     
    #6764
    kiwiqpr, Sep 14, 2019
    Wooperts_duck, Taffvalerowdy and San Diego like this.
  5. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    upload_2019-9-14_19-3-40.jpeg
     
    #6765
    Taffvalerowdy, Sep 14, 2019
    San Diego, Wooperts_duck and Wherever like this.
  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    MAN: “Hello”
    WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
    MAN: “Yes”
    WOMAN: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it?”
    MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.
    WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2019 models. I saw one I really liked."
    MAN: “How much?
    WOMAN: “$85,000."
    MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
    “WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”
    MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.
    WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!
    MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”
    The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
    Then he smiles and asks: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
     
    #6766
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 14, 2019
    Makemstine Roger, San Diego, mustyfrog and 1 other person like this.
  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #6767
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 14, 2019
    Makemstine Roger, San Diego and Taffvalerowdy like this.
  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #6768
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 14, 2019
    Makemstine Roger, San Diego and Taffvalerowdy like this.
  9. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    #6769
    Taffvalerowdy, Sep 14, 2019
    Makemstine Roger, San Diego, kiwiqpr and 1 other person like this.
  10. mustyfrog

    mustyfrog Well-Known Member

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    One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

    "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

    Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

    "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

    "**** me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
     
    #6770
    mustyfrog, Sep 15, 2019
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  11. mustyfrog

    mustyfrog Well-Known Member

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    A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
     
    #6771
    mustyfrog, Sep 15, 2019
    San Diego, kiwiqpr, Wooperts_duck and 2 others like this.
  12. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    #6772
    Taffvalerowdy, Sep 15, 2019
    San Diego and Wooperts_duck like this.
  13. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    #6773
    Taffvalerowdy, Sep 15, 2019
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  14. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    #6774
    Taffvalerowdy, Sep 15, 2019
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  15. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    #6775
    Taffvalerowdy, Sep 15, 2019
    San Diego, kiwiqpr and Wooperts_duck like this.
  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    John Bercow has been rushed to hospital after being electrocuted after rewiring a plug.

    Officials say he had no idea what neutral was.......
     
    #6776
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 15, 2019
    San Diego and Taffvalerowdy like this.
  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #6777
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 15, 2019
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  18. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #6778
    kiwiqpr, Sep 15, 2019
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  19. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #6779
    kiwiqpr, Sep 15, 2019
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  20. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #6780
    kiwiqpr, Sep 15, 2019
Page 339 of 747
: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

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