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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #11281
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 13, 2021
    San Diego and Makemstine Roger like this.
  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
    The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
    The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
    The third night was Bill's turn. Bill was a tanned, older (a lot older) cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said.
    They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
    He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
    With age comes wisdom.
     
    #11282
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 13, 2021
    San Diego, Makemstine Roger and Gordon Armstrong like this.
  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #11283
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 13, 2021
    San Diego and Makemstine Roger like this.
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #11284
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 14, 2021
    Makemstine Roger likes this.
  5. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.
    Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided totest it on himself first.
    So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
    Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
    He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
    Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile phone (Thank god for mobile phones!).
    'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works
    fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'
    'Don't worry,' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons.'
     
    #11285
    Makemstine Roger, Nov 14, 2021
    Wooperts_duck and San Diego like this.
  6. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    A Muslim immigrant goes to a Doctor and says "I feel terrible".
    The Doctor examines him and then says -”You need to pee and crap in a bucket for a week,
    throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage. Put a towel over your head
    and inhale the vapours for 3 days".

    The man does this and goes back to the Doctor and says "I feel
    wonderful!! What was wrong with me?"

    "You were homesick".
     
    #11286
    Makemstine Roger, Nov 15, 2021
    Wooperts_duck and San Diego like this.
  7. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    upload_2021-11-16_19-21-57.jpeg
     
    #11287
    Taffvalerowdy, Nov 16, 2021
    Didley Squat, Wooperts_duck, San Diego and 1 other person like this.
  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #11288
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 16, 2021
    Makemstine Roger likes this.
  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #11289
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 16, 2021
    Makemstine Roger, San Diego and Didley Squat like this.
  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #11290
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 16, 2021
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #11291
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 17, 2021
    San Diego, Makemstine Roger and Didley Squat like this.
  12. Gordon Armstrong

    Gordon Armstrong Just another S.A.F.C. fan
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    #11292
    Gordon Armstrong, Nov 18, 2021
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  13. Gordon Armstrong

    Gordon Armstrong Just another S.A.F.C. fan
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    #11293
    Gordon Armstrong, Nov 18, 2021
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  14. Gordon Armstrong

    Gordon Armstrong Just another S.A.F.C. fan
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    A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

    He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says.
    "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

    At lunchtime, she asked if he would like something.
    "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

    He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

    Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
    "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie?
    Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir-fry?"

    He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra… I'm still not hungry."

    "Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up 'cos I'm starving"
     
    #11294
    Gordon Armstrong, Nov 18, 2021
    San Diego, Wooperts_duck and BluefromBridgend like this.
  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Working people frequently ask retired people what
    They do to make their days interesting.
    Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I
    went into town and visited a shop.
    ... When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
    We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,
    how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
    He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
    I called him an “a***hole” . He glared at me and started
    writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
    So Mary called him a “s*** head”. He finished the
    second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
    Then he started writing more tickets.
    This went on for about 20 minutes.
    The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
    Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it
    and went home.
    We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
    It's important at our age.
     
    #11295
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 18, 2021
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates,where she is greeted by St. Peter.
    "Welcome!" he says. "Because we are currently operating at 99% capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven. Therefore, you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance."
    "Okay," says the blonde."Here's your question: name two days of the week that begin with the letter T."
    "That's easy. Today and tomorrow!"
    "Well, that's not the answer I was thinking of, but I'll give you another question.
    How many seconds are there in a year?"
    "That's easy. Twelve!"
    "Twelve?""January second, February second, March second -- "
    "Okay, okay. I can see you misunderstood this question as well.
    Well, Okay. I'll give you one more chance. What's God's name?"
    "That's easy. Howard!"
    "Howard?"
    "You know -- 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...
     
    #11296
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 18, 2021
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A woman went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table:
    He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
    The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say that men with big feet are well endowed.
    The cowboy grinned and said. "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
    The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
    The next morning she handed him two $100 bills. Blushing, he said. "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
    "Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
     
    #11297
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 18, 2021
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A Genie granted me one wish, so I said "I just want to be happy."

    Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 Dwarves & working in a mine.....
     
    #11298
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 18, 2021
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #11299
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 18, 2021
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I was in Currys the other day, and I saw a TV made totally from pasta.

    I said to the manager "What's that?"

    He replied "It's a tagliatelle".........
     
    #11300
    Wooperts_duck, Nov 18, 2021
    San Diego and Makemstine Roger like this.
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