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Off Topic The best joke you know.

Discussion in 'Hull City' started by Qatartiger Cambridgetiger, Nov 13, 2015.

  1. kirkellatiger

    kirkellatiger Well-Known Member

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    I recently went on a date with a girl called Simile...I don't know what I met-er-for
     
    #281
    philhul likes this.
  2. Sir Cheshire Ben

    Sir Cheshire Ben Well-Known Member

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    Did you Feck Simile?
     
    #282
    Walter Sobchak likes this.
  3. Walter Sobchak

    Walter Sobchak Well-Known Member

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    "I'm taking my wife to the Caribbean."

    "Saint Kitts and Nevis?"

    "No, she wanted to go...wait."
     
    #283
    amberman8 and Skidby Plastic like this.
  4. philhul

    philhul Well-Known Member

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    Grandma's Letter

    She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

    She writes:

    Dear Grand-daughter,

    The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

    I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

    So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

    I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the lights had changed.

    It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window & screamed, ' For the love of God! ' ' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!

    I leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times sharing in the love!

    There must have been a man from Filey back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

    I saw another guy waving in a funny way, with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a ' Withernsea Good Luck Sign' or something.

    Well, I have never met anyone from Withernsea , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

    My grandson burst out laughing.

    Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

    A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me..

    I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to
    leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down leaned out the window and gave them all the 'Withernsea Good Luck Sign' one last time as I drove away.

    My teen-age grandson is still laughing and rejoicing in the Spirit!!!

    Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

    Will write again soon, Love, Grandma
     
    #284
  5. Girt Bucket

    Girt Bucket Well-Known Member

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    That's. Sooooo Funny. Wait....Not.
     
    #285
  6. Walter Sobchak

    Walter Sobchak Well-Known Member

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    Thanks Girt.

    Keep up the good work.
     
    #286
    Girt Bucket likes this.
  7. Des Head

    Des Head Well-Known Member

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    Two monkeys sat in a bath. One says "Oooh, oooh, aaah, aaah!" and the other one says "Well put some ****ing cold in then."
     
    #287
  8. PoolTiger

    PoolTiger Active Member

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    Why did the butterfly flutter by? 'Cos the caterpillar shook its pillock at 'er
     
    #288
  9. Anal Frank Fingers

    Anal Frank Fingers Well-Known Member

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    I had a vasectomy but my wife still had a baby. Not impressed.

    It seems that a vasectomy doesn't prevent babies. It just changes the colour they come out.
     
    #289
  10. Tentotwo

    Tentotwo Well-Known Member

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    Bloke walks in a chippy:
    " Large bastard portion of chips now "
    Female sever replied:
    "You ignorant man..you don't ask for a bag of chips like that,come round this side of the counter and I will show you how to ask properly"
    Bloke does as she suggests and female server then says:
    "Could I have a large portion of chips please"

    Bloke replys: " Get ****ed,you wouldn't serve me"
     
    #290
    Kempton likes this.

  11. Arnold_Lane_HCFC

    Arnold_Lane_HCFC Well-Known Member

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    Ehab (Allam) has released his latest attempt for 'The Best Joke You Know' in his Q&A part 3 in HDM.

    Certainly no reasons to be cheerful in that crock of ****.

    ALLAMS OUT !!!
     
    #291
  12. Stan The Man

    Stan The Man Well-Known Member

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    Bloke at doctors is worried that he has a 5hit every day at exactly 7 o'clock in the morning. Doctor says "it's good having regular bowel movements". Bloke says "but I don't get up until 8"

    Father of a lads new girlfriend sits him down and says " I need to make you aware of something that Tracey has". Lad " Ok what is it? Girlfriends father " She has acute angina". Lad " Yes I know and her tits aren't bad either"
     
    #292
  13. Qatartiger Cambridgetiger

    Qatartiger Cambridgetiger Well-Known Member

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    Sounds like Chubby Brown. Good ones.
     
    #293
  14. philhul

    philhul Well-Known Member

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    One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of Florida to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?" To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!" The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies toilet, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm". The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was. The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?" To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the ladies toilet and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!
     
    #294
  15. Des Head

    Des Head Well-Known Member

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    Desperately needed a crap on the train earlier on but the toilet was out of order so I had to sit and hold it.

    The woman sat opposite me looked disgusted and said, "Is that a poo in your hands?"
     
    #295
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  16. Arnold_Lane_HCFC

    Arnold_Lane_HCFC Well-Known Member

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    ****in larffed at this. Brings back memories :)
     
    #296
    Des Head likes this.
  17. King Curtis

    King Curtis Well-Known Member

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    2 buses carrying jazz musicians crashed on the motorway earlier. It led to a massive jam.
     
    #297
  18. King Curtis

    King Curtis Well-Known Member

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    My father worked for road maintenance and he had been sacked for stealing things from work. I did not want to believe it at first but when I got home all of the signs were there.
     
    #298
  19. King Curtis

    King Curtis Well-Known Member

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    Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.
     
    #299
  20. Amin Yapusi

    Amin Yapusi Well-Known Member

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    What's brown and sticky?

    Vaginal discharge
     
    #300

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