Off Topic The dying Swan ~ Joke thread

A man walked into the bar and saw an old friend of his, drinking by himself. Approaching his friend, he commented, "You look awful. What's wrong?"
"My mother died in May and left me £15,000," the friend answered.
"Boy, that's tough," the man replied.
Continuing, the friend said, "Then in June, my dad died leaving me £50,000."
"Gosh, both parents gone in such a short period of time? No wonder you're depressed," said the man.
"Last month my aunt died and left me £10,000," the friend added.
"That's a lot to deal with. Losing three close family members in three months, is terrible!" replied the man.
"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing! Not even a single penny"

 

Got to be the best joke EVER...

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My mother hates sports so after being forced to go to a football game with her grandchildren this was her conclusion. Football consists of 22 men on the field desperately in need of a rest, and 40,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.

 

Ah, thank heavens for some humour after the angst and belly button analysis of recent days.

 

I bought some shoes from my drug dealer.

Not sure what he laced them with but I was tripping all day

 

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Confucius, he say:

borrow from pessimists, they don’t expect it back

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bachelor, man who never make same mistake once

save a tree, eat a beaver

you don’t pay exorcist you get repossessed
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man who masturbate only screw himself

man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day long
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man who laugh last, not get joke

 

He also said............

Woman who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip

Woman aviator who fly upside down have crack up.

 

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Man with knob up chimney, fugging great!