Off Topic The 'Like' Brothel

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A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

 

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I see Katie Price has a new gynecologist.

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They decided it was time to take their Mum to the nursing home,
and the woman has a problem with one rule in particular.
One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again, she seems alright – but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. “So, Ma’, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.
“It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”

 

It is with great sadness that I’m going to have to close my fishmonger shop after 50 years.

The whiting is on the wall.....

 

An Irishman applying for a blacksmiths job was asked if he had any experience shoeing horses?

He said "No, but i once told a donkey to f*ck off"

 

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Hooked up with a Tinder date last week after exaggerating a bit to get myself more likes. We got back to her flat and she said "f.uck me with your twelve inches and make me hurt!"

So we had sex four times and I said her cushions didn't go with her curtains.

 

The man who invented the taser has died...

His friends are stunned...

 

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