Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

Is this the first joke we've had on here about a toe?

 

This is my favourite bit.

 

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy. About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.

"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.

"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."

 

"Why are you in this particular line of work?" a sociology researcher asked the massage parlour girl. "I'm trying to pay back this loan shark named Paul something or other," she said. "So I'm literally rubbing peters to pay Paul."

 

Why are all your jokes American, dribs?

 

That joke appears in Predator.

 

The Praying Parrot

A middle aged woman lived alone except for her pet, a male parrot. The woman was very proud of her parrot because it would sit in the bottom of its cage, cross its wings, and pray. She was also a devout church goer and would often brag to the congregation about her faithful parrot.

One day the women was boasting about her parrot's prayers. An older gentleman was simply amazed by this. ''I have a female parrot and she's just terrible. My son raised her and all she does is curse. She's the most foul mouthed creature I've ever heard,'' he sighed. ''Maybe if we put my parrot with your parrot he would teach mine how to pray and stop cursing so much.''

The woman readily agreed to this and a few days later the gentleman brought his parrot by. The woman's parrot sat praying in the bottom of the cage as they placed the female inside with him. The parrot instantly stopped praying, hopped up, looked the female over and shouted, ''Hot damn!! This is what I've been praying for!!''

 

There where two snakes talking. The 1st one said Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they re dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned? . Then the second Snake says “Why do you ask?” The 1st one replies: “I just bit my lip!”

 

*WHO ARE* *GRANDPARENTS?*

✍written by
a class of 8-year-olds
You'll love it...

Grandparents are
a lady and a man
who have no little children of their own.

They like other people's children.

A grandfather is a man, and a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.

They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run.

It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually they are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip.

They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us...

They know we should have snack time before bed time.

They say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

Grandpa is the smartest man on earth!

He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.
''Oh,''
he said,
''she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.''

 

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A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

 

My Wife Is Poisoning Me
A man goes to see the priest. "Priest, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Priest asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Priest, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Priest then offers, "Tell you what.

Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Priest calls the man and says,

"Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Priest replied, "Take the poison."

 

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A penguin is driving along the highway when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He pulls off the highway and finds the nearest service station, and pulls up to the garage with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and the mechanic says "OK, give me 10 minutes to check it out." Meanwhile, the penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street. Thinking this is a perfect time for a tasty treat, he heads over and gets himself an ice cream cone. After he finishes, he walks back over to the garage, and asks the mechanic "So, did you find out what's wrong?" The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin quickly wipes his face and says "Oh, no, that's just the ice cream."

 

Now thats a joke

 

It's a ****ing ROAD

 

The penguin was on his holidays in USA, I would have thought that was obvious.

 

Yeah... how the **** is a penguin going to be driving in Europe or the UK.

Jeez some people eh?