Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood was packing her things. Her mother asked, "Where are you going, Lil' Red?"
Red said, "To grandma's."
Her mother said, "Okay, but watch out for the Big Bad Wolf. He'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and freak your little red socks off."
Lil' Red replied, "Don't worry, I've got a gun."
So about a mile down the road, Lil' Red met the Three Little Pigs. They asked where she was going and she said, "Grandma's house."
The Pigs warned, "Watch out for the Big Bad Wolf. He'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and freak your little red socks off!"
She told them, "Don't worry, I've got a gun."
About two more miles down the road, the Big Bad Wolf leapt out of the forest and grabbed Lil' Red. He shouted "Ha! I finally caught you!"
And she cried, "Don't tell me you're gonna pull up my little red dress, pull down my little red panties and freak my little red socks off."
"Yes I am," said the Wolf, drooling.
"No, you ain't," said Little Red.
"What do you mean," said the Wolf, taken aback.
Lil' Red pulled up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, pulled out her big silver gun and said, "Nope, you're gonna eat me like it says in the book."

 

Wha?

 

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Airplane ride

A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful women he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is so nervous, and he soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him.

When she takes the seat next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation with her. He asks, “Where are you flying to today?”

She responds, “To the annual nymphomaniac convention in Chicago.”

He is CRAZED with excitement! Here is a gorgeous woman sitting next to him, and she’s going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!!!

“And what do you do at this meeting?” he asks.

“Well,” she says, “we try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“And what myths are those?” he goes on desperately.
She explains, “Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the best endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American who is. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who make the best lovers.”

“Very interesting….” the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarassed and blushes.

“I’m sorry,” she says, “I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don’t even know you! What is your name?”

The man extends his hand and replies, “Tonto. Tonto Goldstein.”

 

Tail of mouse
Eye of cat
Head of newt
and wing of bat.


Not Halloween, a list of reasons why the council closed our KFC.

 

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden."

 

An business man staying at the Ritz hotel in London takes a card, offering sex etc. from a phone box. Back at the hotel he rings the number.
A lady with a silky soft voice asks if she can be of any help.
The man says "I'd like a blow job, a straight shag, then doggie style, mild bondage, a few minutes of anal and finish with a tit ****. Is that ok?"
The lady replies, "Sounds fun sir, but you might like to dial 9 for an outside line first"

 

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An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years
of his life sentence in prison.
While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.
He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.
Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!
Be strong and I love you."
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says:
"Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a
woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my
ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom.
Be strong and I love you, too."

 

I know the feeling......

 

There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' monastery and it was leveled. All fifty brothers were transported to heaven at the one time.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group. Now, first question. How many of you have played around with little boys?"

Forty-nine hands went up.

"Right!" said St. Peter. "You forty-nine can go down to Hell. Oh, and take that deaf bastard with you!"

 

British Association of Pimps (BAPS) to go to European Court
With the new offence of paying for sex with somebody who is "controlled for another person's gain" to carry a hefty fine and a criminal record, the British Association of Pimps (BAPS) is going to the European Court in protest.
BAPS feels that the new law is treating its members rather unfairly. Association Chairman, Terry Towels, feels that the livelihood of his members is now under severe threat following the ruling.
At a press conference this morning, attended by the Daily Sport, he said that his members would be reduced to relying on drug dealing, retail protection rackets and muggings to survive.
He stated that the services provided by his Association members to 'ladies of the night' were strictly laid down, just like the girls are. Pimps only extort money and physically abuse their girls using recognised and regulated means.
For example, they never damage their girls' faces when they physically abuse them, and never take more than 80% of the girls' takings.
They also lavish them with nice gifts such as sandwiches, condoms and STD creams.

 

Mrs. Hicks was telling some ladies about the burglar scare in her house the night before.

"Yes," she said, "I heard a noise and got up, and there, from under the bed, I saw a man's legs sticking out."

"Mercy!" exclaimed a woman. "The burglar's legs?"

"No, my dear; my husband's legs. He heard the noise, too."

 

I bet it was Mr. Gillette breaking in.

 

Was Mrs Gillette there as well?

 

****

 

After his pound of flesh.

 

Worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.