Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

Liverpool were brutally trolled by a traffic sign in Manchester in Saturday evening as rivals Man City picked up the FA Cup following a 6-0 win against Watford at Wembley.

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that wasn't real dribs lol, and that was out before fa cup win.

 

their treble trophy parade will be seen by a pensioner and his dog at least so yeah... hectic. I'm sure a few manc with plastic flags will turn out but you know... only to sing about liverpool

 

That's why it is a joke.

 

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A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'

 

Katie Price is pregnant again. Dear god she's dropped more bastards than a Scotsman with tourettes.

 

Cheeky ****

 

What's 22 stone and rides a derby winner? Adam Johnson's cellmate.

 

Thanks to everyone who helped me translate the word "beaucoup", hugely appreciated. It means a lot.

 

woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. The boyfriend agrees.

The bartender brings the drink and puts a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice on the bar. The boyfriend puts the salt on his tongue... salty but okay. He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth... smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks, "this is okay." Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

In one second the sharp lime taste hits... At two seconds the Baileys curdles... At three seconds the salty, curdled taste and mucous-like consistency hits... At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot. This triggers his gag reflex but, being manly and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend and says, "Jesus! What do you call that drink?"
She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge."

 

A father and son happen to walk by the condom display in a drug store and the boy asks "What are these, dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies "Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex". "Oh I see" replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school".
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies "Those are for freshmen in college. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday". "Cool!" says the boy.
He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college seniors"
The dad answers "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday". "WOW!" exclaimed the boy.
"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

 

I hired out a DVD 'Katie Price's dribbling ****', when I turned it in to my horror it was footage of Harvey's 16th birthday party.

 

A young lad asks his father can women get pregnant from anal sex? The father replied of course they can, where do you think Man United fans come from?

 

I was a contestant on Family Fortunes. I was asked to name an alcoholic spirit. You should have seen the look I got when I said George Best.

 

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What's the difference between a Skoda and a Jehovah witness? You can shut the door on a Jehovah witness.