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Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

Discussion in 'Liverpool' started by Garlic Klopp, Jan 13, 2014.

  1. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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  2. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    She was standing in the kitchen, preparing
    our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for
    breakfast, wearing only the 'T'shirt that she
    normally slept in. As I walked in, almost
    awake, she turned to me and said softly,
    "you've got to make love to me this very
    moment"
    My eyes lit up as I thought, "I am either still
    dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day"
    Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced
    her and then gave it my all; right there on the
    kitchen table.
    Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned
    to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
    Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "what
    was that about" She explained,
    "The EGG TIMER'S broken"
     
    #3702
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  3. Superfirmino

    Superfirmino Active Member

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    What's black and red and bumps into things? Harvey Price in a santa suit.
     
    #3703
  4. Superfirmino

    Superfirmino Active Member

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    Did you hear about the Rio Ferdinand mobile phone? It's big, black and ugly, has no memory and it takes 3 months to charge the ****er.
     
    #3704
  5. jenners04

    jenners04 I must not post porn!

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  6. jenners04

    jenners04 I must not post porn!

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    #3706
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  7. Sucky

    Sucky peoples champ & forum saviour

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    What the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?












    At least a zit waits until you're a teenager before it comes on your face.
     
    #3707
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  8. Sucky

    Sucky peoples champ & forum saviour

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    How do you know if youve ****ed a vegetable?















    You gotta stick her back in the wheelchair after.
     
    #3708
  9. Superfirmino

    Superfirmino Active Member

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    How do you stop a Man United fan from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
     
    #3709
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  10. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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  11. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    An elderly woman, well into her eighties, slowly entered the front door of a 'Sex Shop'.

    Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbled the few feet across to the counter.

    Finally grabbing the counter for support, and s-tut-ter- ing, she asked the sales clerk, "Dooo youuuu have dilllldooos?"

    The clerk, (trying hard not to laugh), politely replied, "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models. . ."

    The old woman then asked: "Doooo youuuu carry aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk ... aaand rrunns on bbaatteries?"

    Trying not to laugh, and with a little smile creeping around his mouth, the clerk responded, "Yes, yes we do."

    She stammered, "Dddooo yyoouu kknnnooww hhhoww ttooo ttturrrnn iittt offff?"
     
    #3711
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  12. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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  13. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

    She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

    She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup coffee in front of him.

    He appears to be in deep thought, just staring
    at the wall.

    She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee...

    'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.

    The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

    The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
    'Yes, I do' she replies.

    The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

    'Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?'
    'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the gun in my face and said:
    'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

    'I remember that too' she replies softly.

    He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

    "I would have been released today..!!!"
     
    #3713
  14. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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  15. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    What if Dr. Seuss Wrote Computer Manuals?

    If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
    And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
    And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then
    the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

    If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
    And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash, And
    your data is corrupted ‘cause the index doesn’t hash, Then your
    situation’s hopeless, and your system’s gonna crash!

    If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
    Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
    But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
    That’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

    And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So
    your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
    Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
    ‘Cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!

    When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk,
    And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
    Then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM,
    Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

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  16. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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  17. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    The newlyweds are in bed on the wedding night and just before the nuptials the bride thinks she ought to say something as she was a bit of a lass in her day and worried she is a little 'big' down below.
    She says "darling, I think you should know when I was younger I 'caught' myself on a fence...just in case you were wondering why I'm a little 'loose' down below."
    He says "that's fine darling, we're married now in sickness and health"
    After the deed is done, the guy says
    "Just exactly how far across the field were you before you realised you were caught?"
     
    #3717
  18. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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  19. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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  20. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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