1. Log in now to remove adverts - no adverts at all to registered members!

Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

Discussion in 'Liverpool' started by Garlic Klopp, Jan 13, 2014.

  1. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    110,219
    Likes Received:
    214,686
    please log in to view this image
     
    #3901
  2. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    110,219
    Likes Received:
    214,686
    please log in to view this image
     
    #3902
  3. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2012
    Messages:
    16,341
    Likes Received:
    11,578
    please log in to view this image
     
    #3903
  4. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2012
    Messages:
    16,341
    Likes Received:
    11,578
    An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him,“What's wrong?”
    The boy says,“Me ma is dead”.
    “Oh bejaysus,"the man says. “Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?”
    The boy replies,“No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”
     
    #3904
    Milk and Kebabs likes this.
  5. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2012
    Messages:
    16,341
    Likes Received:
    11,578
    please log in to view this image
     
    #3905
  6. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2012
    Messages:
    16,341
    Likes Received:
    11,578
    Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor.

    Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suction-cupped herself to the floor.

    She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" Bruce came running in.

    "Bruce, I've F***ing suctioned myself to the floor," she said.

    "S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl.

    I'll go across the road and get me mate Wayne to help."

    They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

    "No way, we can't do it," Wayne said, "so let's try Plan B."

    "Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?"

    "I'll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her," replied Wayne.

    "Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples."

    "Play with her nipples?"

    Wayne said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"

    "No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we

    can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive...
     
    #3906
    Muppetfinder General and kiwiqpr like this.
  7. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2012
    Messages:
    16,341
    Likes Received:
    11,578
  8. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    110,219
    Likes Received:
    214,686
  9. Superfirmino

    Superfirmino Active Member

    Joined:
    May 19, 2019
    Messages:
    232
    Likes Received:
    86
    A man walks into a bar with an alligator under his arm. He asks the barman does he serve Man United fans. The barman says yes we do. The man replies, okay give me a whiskey and a Man United fan for the alligator.
     
    #3909
  10. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    110,219
    Likes Received:
    214,686
    please log in to view this image
     
    #3910

  11. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    110,219
    Likes Received:
    214,686
    When the insurance company wants you to draw a sketch of your accident
    please log in to view this image
     
    #3911
    Zanjinho likes this.
  12. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2012
    Messages:
    16,341
    Likes Received:
    11,578
    please log in to view this image
     
    #3912
  13. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2012
    Messages:
    16,341
    Likes Received:
    11,578
    please log in to view this image
     
    #3913
    kiwiqpr and organic red like this.
  14. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2012
    Messages:
    16,341
    Likes Received:
    11,578
    please log in to view this image
     
    #3914
    kiwiqpr likes this.
  15. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    110,219
    Likes Received:
    214,686
    please log in to view this image
     
    #3915
  16. Muppetfinder General

    Muppetfinder General Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2011
    Messages:
    3,576
    Likes Received:
    722
    I had an interview for a yoga teacher position. I had to bend over backwards to get it.
     
    #3916
    kiwiqpr likes this.
  17. Superfirmino

    Superfirmino Active Member

    Joined:
    May 19, 2019
    Messages:
    232
    Likes Received:
    86
    What's 22 stone and rides a Derby winner? Adam Johnson's cellmate.
     
    #3917
  18. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2012
    Messages:
    16,341
    Likes Received:
    11,578
    A man went fishing and hadn't caught a thing in four hours, when all of a sudden the local vicar turned up and cast his rod into the stream and within half an hour his keep net was full! The man is getting quite pissed off at this so decides to ask the vicar how he does it. The vicar kindly tells him "Well my son, go home tonight and rub your hand between your wife's legs, and then rub it in with all your worms and the smell will attract the fish!".The man thinks this is a good idea so he goes home and sees the wife standing by the stove cooking dinner, he goes up behind her, sticks his hand up her skirt and starts rubbing away.The wife giggles and says "Oh hello vicar, off fishing again?"
     
    #3918
  19. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2012
    Messages:
    16,341
    Likes Received:
    11,578
    please log in to view this image
     
    #3919
    kiwiqpr likes this.
  20. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    110,219
    Likes Received:
    214,686
    please log in to view this image
     
    #3920

Share This Page