An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him,“What's wrong?” The boy says,“Me ma is dead”. “Oh bejaysus,"the man says. “Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?” The boy replies,“No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”
Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suction-cupped herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've F***ing suctioned myself to the floor," she said. "S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get me mate Wayne to help." They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way, we can't do it," Wayne said, "so let's try Plan B." "Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?" "I'll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her," replied Wayne. "Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples." "Play with her nipples?" Wayne said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!" "No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive...
A man walks into a bar with an alligator under his arm. He asks the barman does he serve Man United fans. The barman says yes we do. The man replies, okay give me a whiskey and a Man United fan for the alligator.
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A man went fishing and hadn't caught a thing in four hours, when all of a sudden the local vicar turned up and cast his rod into the stream and within half an hour his keep net was full! The man is getting quite pissed off at this so decides to ask the vicar how he does it. The vicar kindly tells him "Well my son, go home tonight and rub your hand between your wife's legs, and then rub it in with all your worms and the smell will attract the fish!".The man thinks this is a good idea so he goes home and sees the wife standing by the stove cooking dinner, he goes up behind her, sticks his hand up her skirt and starts rubbing away.The wife giggles and says "Oh hello vicar, off fishing again?"