Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

I hope Sakho doesn't read these pages, no wonder we cant get M'Villa

How does a snail keep its shell shiny?


It uses snail varnish

 

#frenchlesbo

 

****ing love it Bill. 10/10

 

ooh la la

 

thread ****ing this for

 

I'd love to show the french splitarse in the office these, but I'd get sacked

 

Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Welshman are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish" says the genie.

The Welshman says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Wales."

With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in Wales was forever made fertile for farming.

The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye,'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.

The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."

 

Oldie, but goodie

 

his is a translation (from Russian) of a joke:
On his trip to the Soviet Union, President Kennedy saw many drunks. He asked Breznyev about it. Surprised Breznyev replied "...and there are no drunks in the US, in NYC?" "No" answered Kennedy. "When you come to NYC, you may shoot first three drunks you see." After 6 months, Breznyev came to NYC, and walked out of the Soviet embassy. He shot first three drunks he saw, and came back, and went to sleep. When he waked up next day, he read in the New York Times "A bald, short gangster shot three employees of the Soviet embassy."

 

And, he's, back!

 

vous voulez que je leche un vagin en face de vous, mais il ne se passe pas.

 

Pourquoi pas? une delicieuse chatte a poil c'est bon ca

 

Not a joke..

Job related, issue with French customer just got escalated to me.
Anyhoo, I need to contact said customer, his surname is "Batard" I ****e you not..
Very hard to not LOL whilst on the conf. call with him, my manager, customers CTO...

 

sick batards

 

I have a fear of speed bumps...


...but I'm slowly getting over it!

 

The Doctor said I should stop drinking brake fluid before I get addicted to it...I told him I am not an addict I can stop anytime

 

Harriet Harman, Labour deputy leader, Labour conference:
"When John Prescott got egged, he was massively angry and threw a punch. When Ed Miliband got egged, his immediate thought was 'Oh God - I really hope this is free range'."

 

Three logicians walk into a bar. The barman looks up and asks whether they would all like a drink. The first logician says 'maybe', the second logician says 'maybe', and so the third logician says 'yes'.



Badumtish! #hereallthetime

 

Nice. Try this for a one-liner:


It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs as they always take things literally


... Anyone? ...

 

'Wenger knows how to make an exit from Liverpool. When his team slips up so does he. Steady the ship man!'