Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents the other day. After saying hello my Dad pulled me to one side and whispered "you could have done better than that son. She's the ugliest pig I've ever seen! She must weigh 23 stone. Covered in spots. lips like a cod, shes got a beard, shes cross eyed, got a bald head, size 15 feet and she ****ing stinks!!"
I said "there's no need to whisper dad she's deaf!...

 

The inventor of inappropriately timed innuendo jokes died yesterday.
His wife is taking it hard.

 

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Dave the Scouser is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and chats to the bartender when he spots a Red Indian in full tribal dress seated in the corner of the bar.

"Blimey!" remarks Dave. "Who's he?"

"Gee, that's the memory man," replies the bartender. "He knows everything there is to know. Got a memory like an elephant, he can remember any fact. Heck, go and try him out!"

Dave heads over to the Red Indian, thinking that he can outsmart him with a question about English football.

He asks the memory man, "Who won the 1965 FA cup final?"

"Liverpool," came the instantaneous reply.

Dave was stunned. He tried again asking, "Who did they beat?"

"Leeds," replied the memory man.

Dave tried once more asking, "What was the final score?"

The wise Red Indian didn't hesitate in answering, "2-1."

Dave thinks he'll get smart, asking the memory man for the name of the winning goal scorer. Without so much as blinking, the Red Indian says, "Ian St John."

Dave is stunned and returns home to Liverpool, where he tells everyone about the Red Indian. Dave's curiosity lingers, and he vows to return to America and pay his respects to the Indian. Ten years later, Dave finally saved up enough money to return and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, once more he finds the Red Indian, now in a cave.

Humbled by the Red Indian, Dave steps forward, bows, and greets the brave in his traditional tongue.

"How," Dave says.

The memory man squints at him and replies, "A diving header in the six-yard box."

 

'We know how big the game is for Manchester United, the staff and supporters,' said Solskjaer.

'We want to build this team into one that is worthy of United's history and it's another step if we can win this at home.

'The gaffer (Ferguson) would be welcome to talk to the players if he wanted to because we know how much it meant to him to overtake Liverpool.

'I played in a few of these myself and I know the magnitude of it. We've been looking forward to it.

'We have to stay focused and controlled - but with some fight in us as well..'

 

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I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings'. Apparently Gollum was once a normal man. But wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in his life. Must be the same ring I put on when I got married.

 

y

 

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When you get in from a sesh at 6am and have work at 7:30....

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Phillip schofeild lies to his wife for 27 years and he's a hero. I lie about being on the sesh for one weekend and I'm a ****!