Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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If you’re thinking about a holiday abroad?
Fly to Spain,
Return by dinghy from France.
No quarantine, Job done

 

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My article about the history of toilet paper has been wiped.

 

A guy goes to see the doctor, the doctor examines him and says "I have good news and bad news".
"What's the bad news?" asks the patient.
"You have an incurable disease." says the doctor,
"You only have 6 days to live."
"That's terrible!" says the patient, "But what's the good news?".
"It's spring," says the doctor, "the days are getting longer.

 

A blonde city girl named Judy marries a Saskatchewan rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher
says to Judy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our
cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's
stall is in the barn.
Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and
knocks on the front door. Judy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Judy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me lady,
cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"
"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is
the nail for?" The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
"I guess it's to hang your pants on."

 

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The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had
just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like
to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind
telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a
living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,
explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's,
then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's,
and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had
married four men with such diverse careers.
(Wait for it)
She smiled and explained,
"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and
four to go."
(Oh, just hush-up and send this one on to somebody who
needs a laugh.)

 

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That's the only time I've ever agreed with Boris!

 

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