Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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I want to be buried with all my records.

It will be my vinyl resting place!

 

I’m gonna sell my white Transit van and buy a pink one.

I want a camper van!

 

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Apparently the gentleman who invented the anagram has died.

May he "erect a penis".......

 

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A Golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital.
Just before he was put under, the Surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news."
The Surgeon tells him.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
“Oh God no," the man cries.
"My Golfing is over.
Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it Doc, as long as I can play Golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the Golf Course when he bumped into the Surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" The surgeon asks.
"Just great," the Golfer replies.
"I'm playing the best Golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my Putting has really improved."
“That's great."
"Not only that, My handwriting has improved, learned how to sew my own clothes and even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
"That’s unbelievable, I'm glad to hear the transplant was such a great success.
Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just two really," the Golfer told him.
"I have trouble Parallel Parking and every time have an erection get a headache!"

 

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When I was in the pub last night I overheard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on a Aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman!

What a pair of sexist prats. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing is it?

 

On the chest of a barmaid from Sale
We're tattooed the prices of ale
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Exactly the same but in Braille

 

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Apparently the gentleman who invented the anagram has died.

May he "erect a penis"....... ​

 

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