Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

 

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An elderly man, who’s living alone in Salisbury wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard.

His only son, Paul, who used to help him, is now in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Paul,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried!

Love,

Paul.

At 4 a.m. the next morning, Salisbury CID officers and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love Paul.

Morale of the story - Always think outside the box to create the outcome you need.

 

Are food prices in Michelin starred restaurants over inflated?

 

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1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

 

I rang my mate Stan this morning and his wife answered:
"I wanted to wish you and Stan a good holiday," I said. "You fly from Gatwick tomorrow, don't you?"
She said, "Stansted."
"Blimey," I said, "he seemed absolutely fine in the pub last night."

 

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If the Vic Vapour Rub lorry enters the centre of London, does it have to pay the Congestion Charge?

 

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