Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

Little Johnny is visiting his Grandad on the farm ..
He races into the Farmhouse and yells excitedly to his Grandad :
"Hey Grandad , the bull is sh*gging the cow" ..
Grandad informs Johnny that he Won't tolerate this sort of "playground language" on his farm and that in future if Johnny wants to inform him about such things , he should say something like ,
"Grandad , the bull is 'surprising' the cow .."
A few weeks later Johnny is again visiting the farm ..
Once again he comes racing in and yells :
"Grandad the bull is surprising the cows .."
Grandad says to Johnny :
"I'm SO pleased to hear that after my conversation with you , a few weeks ago , you have cleaned up your language ..
However , your grammar is not quite correct ..
It is not "the bull is surprising the cows".
It is , "the Bull is surprising the cow" ..
The bull can only surprise ONE cow at a time"..
Johnny replies :
"No Grandad , the bull is REALLY surprising ALL the cows , because he's
Sh*gging the horse ...!!"

 

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One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
“You’re a goblin,” she says, “I caught you and you owe me three wishes!”
So the goblin replies “OK, you caught me fair and square, what’s your first wish?”
The woman stops and thinks for a second, “I want a huge mansion to live in.”, goblins replies “OK, you’ve got it.”
Woman again thinks it over, “My second wish is a Mercedes.” “OK, you’ve got that too.”
“My last wish is a million dollars!”. The goblin then says “OK, you’ve got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have to make love to me all night.”
She replies, “OK then, if that’s what it takes…”
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
“Tell me,” says the man, “how old are you?” “I’m 27″, she replies
“Isn’t that something”, says the man, “27 and you still believe in goblins?”

 

So this fella got chatting to this girl in a bar, "Can I buy you a drink?" he asked.
"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.
""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," he assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please.
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While he was putting his clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
He said, "My wife found out."

 

Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an Anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription ..

Simply showing marriage certificate and wife's picture is not enough!”

 

Bob the builder goes up to a girl in a nightclub and says, "I have an 8 inch dick and can shag all night"... After a few beers she takes Bob home with her.
The next morning she says, "You said you had an 8 inch dick and could last all night. Instead you have a 5inch dick and lasted 3 minutes"...
Bob replies "I'm a builder love. It was an estimate"...

 

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing !

The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock ?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no", he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock ?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no", he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them ?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no", he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock ?"

All the nuns, three altar boys, and a goat stood up.......

 

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A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever
claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Middle Eastern muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Ahmed replied, "****, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

 

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