Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

Q: How many David Moyes does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 2. One to change the lightbulb while the other is busy being a **** manager.

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What's blue and ****s old ladies?

Hypothermia.

 

Thought you was going to say Rooney
#onceabluealwaysablue

 

That is briliant. Much better than my punchline.
I applaud you.

 

Q. What do you call Tom Cleverly?

A. A footballer

 

The Best Lovers


A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a spectacular gorgeous woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. As if his prayers were answered, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. The Annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was this most beautiful woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said. "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"It's Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba!"

 

Howard Webb walks into a bar.






It was only three yards away as well.

 

How did he walk into it if he was three yards away

 

There's always one

 

Is it always three yards away?

 

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?". The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here, hold her!!" The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE". The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".

 

A Ukrainian woman bumps into Chelsea football team at a nightclub.
She goes up to John Terry and asks him to sign her left breast. She lifts up her top and he signs.
She then asks Drogba to sign the right breast. She lifts up her top and he signs it.
She then goes up and asks Mourinho to sign her front bottom. Jose says, "Okay," and she pulls down her knickers at which point he says, "Actually, on second thoughts, I think I'll pass. The last time I signed a **** it cost me £30 million."

 

The last time Olympiakos beat utd was in 325 BC. 2 - 1. Plato and Aristotle got the Greek goals and Giggs got the consolation for utd.

 

Signs of the end as predicted by SAF...

 

Huh?

 

I grew up in a tough area. When I was a kid, people used to cover me in chocolate and cream, then put a cherry on my head. Life was tough in the Gateau

 

What do you get if you mate a rabbit with a chelsea fan?

A disappointed rabbit

 

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

 

What do you can an Asian that lives between two houses...

Ali

 

A MAN RECEIVES A TEXT FROM THE NEIGHBOUR........

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, using it more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn auto correct. I meant "wifi", not "wife".