Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

what do you call a man with a cow and a pig on his head who lives between two buildings

muhammed Ali

 

The great Tommy Cooper..

Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, 'Does he taste funny to you?'

My wife said 'Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet'. I said, 'chocolate fudge'.

What do you call an out-of-work jester? Nobody's fool!

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

 

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A MAN finds a lamp, rubs it, and a genie appears. The genie tells the man he may have two wishes ? but whatever he gets, his mother-in-law will get double. The man thinks for a while and says: “First I’d like a million Pounds. Then beat me half to death.”

 

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

 

a fsh

 

Fsh, yes, fsh, yeah, hahahahhahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

During the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution, one morning's executions began with three men: a rabbi, a Catholicpriest, and a rationalist skeptic.

The rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the guillotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the rabbi cried out, "I believe in the one and only true God, and He shall save me." The executioner then positioned the rabbi below the blade, set the block above his neck, and pulled the cord to set the terrible instrument in motion. The heavy cleaver plunged downward, searing the air. But then, abruptly, it stopped with a crack just a few inches above the would-be victim's neck. To which the rabbi said, "I told you so."

"It's a miracle!" gasped the crowd. And the executioner had to agree, letting the rabbi go.

Next in line was the priest. Asked for his final words, he declared, "I believe in Jesus Christ the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost who will rescue me in my hour of need." The executioner then positioned this man beneath the blade. And he pulled the cord. Again the blade flew downward thump! creak! ...stopping just short of its mark once more.

"Another miracle!" sighed the disappointed crowd. And the executioner for the second time had no choice but to let the condemned go free.

Now it was the skeptic's turn. "What final words have you to say?" he was asked. But the skeptic didn't hear. Staring intently at the ominous engine of death, he seemed lost. Not until the executioner poked him in the ribs and the question was asked again did he reply.

"Oh, I see your problem," the skeptic said pointing. "You've got a blockage in the gear assembly, right there!"

 

The rubber toe joke reminds me of a couple of other really ancient jokes...


What do you call a woman full of holes:

Annette.


What do you call a woman with one leg:


Eileen.


Evra is not allowed to read this joke:
[nsfw]What do you call an Asian woman with one leg:

Irene[/nsfw]

 

A man has been arrested for masturbating in a newsagent's. It's all over the papers!

 

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church.

But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think 5,000 euros is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

 

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

 

A snappy dresser?

 

It's good but it's not right.

 

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

 

An investigator

 

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

[NSFW]No idea[/NSFW]

What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?

[NSFW]Still no idea[/NSFW]

What do you call a deer with no legs, no eyes and no bollocks?

[NSFW]Still no ****ing idea[/NSFW]

 

Ding ding ding.

 

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe...?

 

Hasn't that one been asked already?? _____?_____ Carlos / Di Matteo / Mancini.