What day of the week is it thread

Due to an unfortunate spacing error while booking our holiday online, I am now looking forward to a week on the Norfolk B roads.

 

My wife and I were so proud of our daughter standing in front of us after trying on her Wedding Dress.

"Give us a twirl," said my wife.

The proudest moment of my life and all that fat bitch wants is chocolate!

 

My wife dresses to kill.

She also cooks the same way.

 

My neighbours are having a competition to see who can hang out the washing fastest.

So far it's level pegging

 

My wife has left me for a tractor salesman

I've just had a John Deere letter.

 

I was checking out at tesco this morning when I noticed the man in front of me put one thing on the conveyer belt... A box of condoms.
Not only did he notice me staring but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact.
So to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said "looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages".....

 

Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.
"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?"
"I'd rather not say who it was."
"Was it with Betty Smith?"
"I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution.
"Yes, and two very good leads!"

 

A mate of mine once had sex with the exhaust pipe on the back of his lorry.

He found out a week later he was HGV positive.

 

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Sam died and his Will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I'm sure that Sam would have been pleased," she said.
"I'm sure that you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did it really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.
The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went to buy the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone ? My God, how big is it ?"
"Two and a half carats !"

 

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Three ladies are at the fourth hole of a golf club when a naked man
wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.
The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.
The first lady says: “He is definitely not my husband.”
The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says: “He is not mine either.”
After a very considerable inspection, the third lady finally says:
“He's not even a member of this golf club”.

 

Just had a near miss when I stepped off the pavement in front of an oncoming milk lorry... My life semi skimmed past my eyes.

 

My auntie Marge has been ill for so long we have changed her name to, “I can’t believe she’s not better.”

 

Judy married Ted; they had 13 children. Ted died.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy remarried again, and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied: I think he means her legs, Ethel!"