What day of the week is it thread

Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with some moody customers. So when one irate woman stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice,"What's the trouble?"
"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a card saying the postman tried to deliver a package but no one was home.
I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a thing!"
After apologizing, I got her parcel.
"Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!"
"What is it?" I asked.
"My husband's new hearing aid.

 

There was a Japanese man who came here for sightseeing.
On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.
During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi.
Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!”
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!”
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!”
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was $300.
The Japanese exclaimed, “Wah… so expensive!”
There upon, the driver yelled back, “Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!”

 

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A Mother-in-law decides to test her three Son-in-laws for their good nature.
For this, she goes for a walk by the river with the 1st Son-in-law & jumps in. He saves her.
Next morning, he finds a Toyota Corolla parked outside his house with a note: "From your Mother-in-Law"
Next, she goes for a walk by the river with the 2nd Son-in-law & jumps in. He too saves her.
Next morning He also finds a Toyota Corolla parked outside his house with a note: "From your Mother-In-Law"
Next, she goes for a walk by the river with the 3rd Son-in-law & jumps in. He just laughs and walks away...
Next morning, he finds a BMW M5 parked outside his house with a note:
"FROM YOUR FATHER-IN-LAW!"

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A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.

At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer,

"How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week. Both farmers were worn out.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife,

"Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife. "They're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

 

My doctor told me to take two tablets every four hours and now I'm banned from PC World.

 

My wife has banned me from making any more breakfast puns. She says if I make any more I’m toast.

 

Just been watching Women's golf on Sky. It's so much like real life...

They're sh*t at driving but great with an iron!

 

An Irishman goes to the doctor, who after examining him says
“You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.
“So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks,
“Do I have to take them every day?”
No,” replies the doctor, “take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that.
“Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.“Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”
“Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy.
“I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.”
“Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy,
“It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”

 

According to a news report, a certain private school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses)..
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers .. and then there are educators!

 

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said, " So why are you here? "

The Black Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The Yellow Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do?

"Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the Black Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked "Why are you here "

The Yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch." "So what are they going to do to you? " the Black Lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?" "I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see." "Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,

"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No. Apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped

 

Recently a boat carrying red paint crashed into a boat carrying blue paint.... The crew were marooned.

 

A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering.
The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you."
"Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour."
"Show me," said the interviewer.
So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - colored and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking.
The interviewer said, "That's amazing, but I don't think we could employ someone who'd be womanizing all over the country."
"Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, not a womanizer!"
"Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer.
The man replied, "Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?"

 

A 95 year old man is crying on a park bench. “Sir,” says a concerned Policeman “what’s the matter?” “What’s the matter?” he says. “I went on a dating website after my wife died. This young woman sent me an email. She liked older men. She’s Swedish. We meet. It’s wonderful. She’s beautiful. She takes care of the apartment. She makes me eat gluten-free. I haven’t felt so good in years. My children love her. My grandchildren love her. And the sex..oh my god is great” “Well, that sounds wonderful,” the Policeman says. “So why are you crying?” “I can’t remember where I bloody live!”.

 

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"
"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"Yeah, well, it's like this....Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture...

 

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.
Then, the still shaking driver said, 'Are you OK?...... I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab……………….. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.

 

I said to my mate, "I just watched that film about the Nazis."

He said, "Oh what, the one with Adolf in?" I said, "No mate, you're thinking of 'Flipper', this was just about the Nazis."

 

I asked a married woman for a date once, but she said no because I had a face like the back of a boat.

I didn't reply, I just gave her a stern look...