What day of the week is it thread

We all must do our bit for the planet.

At Tesco car park I just unplugged a row of electric cars, that no one was using!

 

A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre.

So he gave her one.....

 

I just caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.

 

A German tourist jumped into a freezing river to save my dog. After he climbed out, he said. "Here is ze dog, dry him off and keep him varm, he vill be fine."

I asked him, "Are you a vet?"

"Vet?" He said. "I'm bloody soaking."

 

Due to start my new job in France as a guillotine operator shortly.

Beheading there soon........

 

My wife is always trying to put me down…

But that's just one of the hazards of being married to a vet.

 

Woman walks into a pet shop looking to buy a talking parrot.
Shopkeeper tells her he has 2 for sale
1 is £300 the other £50.
The woman asks "Why only £50?"
"That parrot used to live in a brothel" the shopkeeper informs her.
Laughing she bought the £50 parrot.
Takes it home, places the parrot and cage on the dining room table.
The parrot squawks " A new brothel"
The woman laughs.... Her 2 daughters return home from college.
The parrot squawks .."New girls"
Mother and daughters burst into tears of laughter.
The husband then arrives home from work
The parrot lets out a SQUAWK SQUAWK
"NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN KEITH"

 

Mick and Paddy are on a cruise.

Paddy says "It's awfully quiet on deck tonight".

Mick replied "Everyone will be watching the band"

Paddy says "There isn't a band playing tonight".

Mick replied "I definitely heard someone say 'A band on ship' ".........

 

A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees:

"I don't want to know." The child says, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asks. “What's wrong?”

"Oh, dad." The boy sobs. "When I was six, I got the "There's no Santa' speech. At seven, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the "There's no tooth fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me that adults don't really f**k, I'll have nothing left to live for."

 

Had to go to the Doctors yesterday and having stripped off he immediately mentioned the fact that my genitalia was perfectly shaped like a saxophone...
I explained that it was a family trait and that we all had genitalia shaped like musical instruments.
He was amazed and said, “Well, in 27 years as a GP I’ve never seen anything like it, Having said that I do remember a woman coming in a few years ago and her fanny was shaped like a Mouth Organ”.
I said, “That’ll be Our Monica”.

 

I'm being moved to a different department at the prosthetics factory.

Its so annoying. I'm up in arms!!

 

200 yrs ago we deported 'undesirables' to Australia.

The Rwanda plan might just create someone else to beat us at cricket.

 

Keyboa d fo sale pe fect wo king o de .

 

I had sex for 3 hours last night.....

We role played as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.

 

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!'

 

Little Billy was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her
"Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Billy said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you."

 

I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm.

She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.

 

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

 

I'm at the airport and there's a woman completely passed out on the baggage carousel!

She's slowly coming around now.