Off Topic Jokes thread

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I just had a brilliant result at the Premature Ejaculators Support Group quiz.

I came first.

 

When Miley Cyrus dances nearly nude and licks a hammer it's called art.

When I do it I get kicked out of B&Q........

 

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The phone rings and my wife answers.
"Hello?"
"Mrs. F, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. F, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. F arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. F asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. F.
"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for one of these expensive tests."
''Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The folks at Salford Health recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.

 

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Farting.

What a Jamaican calls a distant object.

 

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