What day of the week is it thread

When Miley Cyrus dances nearly nude and licks a hammer it's called art.

When I do it I get kicked out of B&Q........

 

The phone rings and my wife answers.
"Hello?"
"Mrs. F, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. F, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. F arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. F asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. F.
"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for one of these expensive tests."
''Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The folks at Salford Health recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.

 

Farting.

What a Jamaican calls a distant object.

 

What's Red and goes, "BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP?"

The Liverpool open top parade bus reversing back into the garage.

 

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Irish man answered his door to find a grim-faced Garda officer waiting in the front yard. "We're sorry, Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said the officer. “Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked. The Garda officer said, "I have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first." The officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay." "Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?" The officer continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch." Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?" The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

 

A truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' - 'Sounds great, the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A burger, chips and a coke.' - 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Brilliant idea, same for me,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.60'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a carton of milk or a new car, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?
The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

 

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients..
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. ...
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
The room erupted in applause !!!!!!

 

I met a girl at the pub one night when I was much younger and I said to her "I'm gonna make love to you in my lounge, bedroom, kitchen, and the hallway."

She said, "It's nice to pull a bloke with your kind of stamina!"

She was gutted when I took her back to my caravan!

 

A woman walking through a field sees Paddy and Mick working...
Paddy is digging holes and as fast as he is digging them, Mick is filling them in.
After 9 holes she says to Paddy 'why are you digging holes and then Mick is filling them in?'
Paddy replies 'Well there's usually 3 of us but the lad who plants the trees is off sick today!'.

 

"Lucy, in the sky, with diamonds."

John Lennon was bloody rubbish at Cluedo.

 

A fat bird came smiling up to me in a nightclub, put her hand on my groin and said, "Have a guess what I want in my mouth tonight?"
"I...I...I don't know?" I stuttered.
"I'll give you a clue," she laughed, "It has four letters and begins with 'C'"
"Oh, that's easy," I said, looking her up and down, "Cake."

 

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Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says,
"Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing.
I hope you can forgive me."
His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long
gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive
you." They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back
swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've
been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since
we're being honest with each other, I have something to
tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change
operation. I was a man before I met you. I hope you can
forgive me."
The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw
a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the
ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf
cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by
one, then started on hers.
He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable
deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart
and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the frickin'
ladies' tees!"

 

I’ve just bought Pavarotti’s old camper van.

It's a Nissan dormer.

 

A farmer had three beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first young man came to the door and said '' I'm Eddie, im here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?'
" NO." The second boy came to the door and said ''I'm Joe. Im here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"
"NO". The third boy came to the door and said to the farmer ''hello my name is Chuck''
....the farmer shot Chuck

 

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her
in the act.
For £100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is
his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it!
I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Shark tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and 4x4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

 

A man was in a long line at his local Sainsbury’s store. As he got to the check out he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Checkout 5." The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the check out, he told the girl that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the check out for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Checkout 5." A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the check out he told the girl he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said...
"Mop and bucket to Checkout 5