The barnsley joke page

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I just had a brilliant result at the Premature Ejaculators Support Group quiz.

I came first.

 

When Miley Cyrus dances nearly nude and licks a hammer it's called art.

When I do it I get kicked out of B&Q........

 

The phone rings and my wife answers.
"Hello?"
"Mrs. F, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. F, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. F arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. F asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. F.
"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for one of these expensive tests."
''Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The folks at Salford Health recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.

 

Farting.

What a Jamaican calls a distant object.

 

What's Red and goes, "BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP?"

The Liverpool open top parade bus reversing back into the garage.

 

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A truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' - 'Sounds great, the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A burger, chips and a coke.' - 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Brilliant idea, same for me,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.60'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a carton of milk or a new car, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?
The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

 

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An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients..
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. ...
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
The room erupted in applause !!!!!!

 

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